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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Student Starts Smoking, Rise in Popularity Predicted

Junior Economics major Seth Maditti announced plans yesterday to start smoking as of April of this year. The announcement was made in the wake of Maditti’s devastating breakup with girlfriend Gretchen Moregenson, a former UMB student who reportedly dumped Maditti’s for a guy who lives in her building.  Maditti said this is the first step in a marketing campaign aimed at renovating his public image. The troubled 22-year-old also announced preliminary plans to stop being a vegetarian and purchase a used leather jacket. “I am so sick of bitches thinking that I’m the ‘nice guy,'” he said in a statement to his best friend, mother and older brother yesterday afternoon. Maditti has been under increasing pressure from the community to improve his relations with the opposite sex after numerous sources came forward to dispute his past claims of prolific sexual conquests. “As far as I know, he didn’t even lose his virginity until three months ago,” said a source close to Meditti’s ex girlfriend. The plan to start smoking will be implemented in three stages beginning April 5th, when Meditti expects to purchase his first pack of cigarettes. He outlined a proposal to steadily increase his cigarette consumption throughout the following months to peak at an average of nine cigarettes a day by September.  This move marks a significant shift in Meditti’s strategy, which has been criticized in the past for not being heavy-handed enough. Acquaintances expressed hope that the move will yield better results. “The kid’s got no game,” testified best friend Kevin Doherty, who has known Meditti since seventh grade.  No word yet on what cigarette brand will be chosen in the execution of the plan, but many speculate that the two strongest candidates are Parliaments and Newport Light 100’s, which are the brands of choice for Meditti’s mother and older brother, respectively. Meditti did not expect to receive support for his new endeavor from UMB administration, and was encouraged when a representative from the Office of Community Relations issued a statement praising the decision. “The benefits that come from the socializing opportunities facilitated by smoking far outweigh any health repercussions,” said the representative. “We always want to inspire UMB students to engage with the community, and there’s no better way to do that than to smoke cigarettes together with other students,” he added.