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The Mass Media

Another Victim of New, Disturbing Dugong Fad is Dead Dugong remains unharmed

Another Victim of New, Disturbing Dugong Fad is Dead Dugong remains unharmed

Michael McSikfuke is the latest victim of a new maritime fetish, attributed to a recent episode of Spike TV’s Manswers, which had the unintentional effect of encouraging a dangerous activity among young men.

The episode purported that the vagina of the Dugong, also known as sea cow, and commonly mistaken for a manatee, looks and functions in a very similar way to a human vagina.

This bit of disturbing and seemingly useless trivia has incited what is quite possibly the most depraved and dangerous act of bestiality in recorded history, Dugong Diddling.

Yes, that’s right, Dugong Diddling, aka Mermaid mounting, aka riding the manatee, aka inseminating the sea cow, aka Jumping Ship, aka Snorkeling Big Mama, is a fast growing trend among 25 to 40-year-old males. Speculation is that the sheer size of the Dugong penis is too large for even the most cavernous of women to accommodate, and not surprisingly there are no reports of such attempts.

To gratify themselves, Mermaid Snatchers, as they are sometimes called, use a time-tested tradition that goes as far back as ancient Alexandria. Sailors of old would sometimes accidentally snare sea cows in their fishing lines. When the beasts were hauled up on deck the sailors ritualistically fornicated with them to ward off bad luck, evil spirits, or just to get their jollies, depending on the circumstances.

Modern-day Dugong Diddling occurs in much of the same fashion, except that participants bail water over the beast to keep it alive while they wait their turn. But for Biology Student Michael McSikfuke, keeping his feet on dry ground humping a dying Dugong wasn’t enough.

“He was always into weird stuff. I couldn’t handle it,” said McSikfuke’s ex-girlfriend, who preferred not to reveal her name. “He once asked me to flop around like a fish out of water. That’s when I’d had it.” The couple broke up a few weeks before the incident that took McSikfuke’s life.

McSikfuke’s friends say that in the last days he was visibly agitated, and confessed to be “searching for a more natural feel.”

“He figured if they can do it underwater, so could he,” stated McSikfuke’s long time friend, who was with him at the time of his death. Refusing to give his real name, he has chosen to be identified as “Carl.”

“We all thought he was crazy,” he said. “You got to get it on our turf. It’s the only way. We tried telling him but he wouldn’t listen. Just kept saying that there had to be a way and that he was gonna be the first guy to fuck a Dugong underwater.”

On March 23rd McSikfuke and Carl dove into the warm shallow waters of Palau, a small island off of South Carolina. It was the prime of the Dugong mating season, but the two friends had no idea. According to Carl, McSicfuke entered the water wearing nothing but a snorkeler’s mask and sporting a fine erection.

As they swam they noticed a group of Dugongs circling about, who were keeping a fair distance from one another.

Unbeknownst to McSikfuke, he was swimming toward a group of male Dugongs who were defending their breeding ground from one another, something they do quite violently, and waiting for a lonely female to saunter by.

“You can’t tell them apart ‘till you get them on the boat,” reported Carl. “He must have thought it was a group of both genders.”

As McSikfuke approached the Dugongs, they became enraged and aroused. The engorged beasts forced Michael to the seafloor where they used their flippers and tails to bounce, smash, flip, and turn him over much like they would a female of their species during mating.

This attack lasted more than 20 minutes before the Dugongs lost interest.

Tragically, by that time McSikfuke was dead.

McSikfuke’s parents could not be reached for comment. Administrators at UMB, reacting to the tragedy by sending out an advisory via email to the entire student body on Tuesday, strongly urging all members of the community to refrain from fucking Dugongs, offshore or otherwise.

About the Contributor
Jacob Aguiar served as the following positions for The Mass media the following years: News Editor: 2011-2012; Fall 2012 Leisure Editor: 2010-2011