Aries: You are still recuperating from a rough weekend. Give yourself some time. Be extra vigilant around people with knobbly knees.

Taurus: Your mind will be wandering Tuesday, preventing you from getting things done. Try to ground your thoughts in lizards and other reptiles.

Gemini: Your double-faced nature has not been noticed by any of your new friends, but people have been grumbling about your bad breath. Wear white on Friday.

Cancer: Fantasies about long walks on the beach, a martini with an olive, a red rose between the teeth of a handsome gypsy, a silver cigarette holder and elbow length silk gloves will come true on Wednesday. Avoid dairy at all cost.

Leo: Your creativity will thrive this week and you might find yourself composing poems on napkins. Someone has been looking through your text messages.

Virgo: Shoplifting opportunities will present themselves this weekend. A man smoking a cigar will haunt your dreams Thursday night.

Libra: On Wednesday, your parents will find out about something naughty you did in high school. Though they will be shocked and disgusted, they will not bring it up because you guys don’t have that kind of relationship.

Scorpio: Your pet’s secret ambition is coming to fruition.

Sagittarius: Resist the urge to do that thing you’ve been dying to do. It’s a stupid thought, no one is going to understand where you’re coming from, and you’d be better off just forgetting about the whole thing.

Capricorn: Someone is going to propose to you this week. Not who you think, though. Wear sunglasses on Tuesday, as it will be very sunny and you have sensitive eyes.

Aquarius: Excitement will course through your veins as you exit the elevator. Your pulse will accelerate. Your cheeks will get flushed with heat. You are totally getting laid on Monday.

Pisces: It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take. Who would’ve thought… it figures