Aries— Stop treating your pokemon so aggressively. Enjoy the journey. Taurus — Try to use your talents in different ways. Potentially you are as versatile as the cranberry. Cranberry sauce, cranberry muffins, cranberry band, cranberry juice and its subsidiaries i.e. cran-apple, cran-grap, and cranagranate. Gemini—Fact not opinion, you have made a grave mistake. Avoid shovels, plows, and trowels. Cancer— Always in flux, your highs will be high this week and your lows low but on the whole it is a good week ahead. You will nail that test and that teacher. Leo— Please don’t steal the display food in the café. They treat that shit with chemicals and you will get sick again. Virgo— A mysteriously bearded stranger will offer you an orange soda. Accept it with exuberant thanks and appreciation as this is a sign of good luck and fertility. Libra— Hey lead foot watch your speed, the fuzz has bead on you and they want to take you down. It is especially important for reasons that are as of yet unclear that you shower on Saturday. Scorpio— The idea of impregnating your significant other is nothing to scoff at. Jokes about slipping on past the goalie have an eerie way of being prophetic. Kids are expensive so remember no glove no love and keep your mouth shut, or at least knock on wood. Sagittarius— You are brimming with confidence - and why not? You got your shit together, everything is all set, assignments in on time and whatnot but wait did you leave your lights on? Lock you keys in the car? Watch for little tragedies like that this week. Capricorn— Nah Uh girlfriend! You done messed up in the game. Stop mixing your patterns strips-don’t go with polka dots. Aquarius— Stop hanging about in pubic bathrooms. People will think you’re a prostitute. Pisces— Life planned out before my birth, nothing I could say. Had no chance to see myself, molded day by day. Looking back I realize nothing have I done. Left to die with only friend, alone I clench my gun.