Aries: March 21st – April 19thDo not get suckered by sly car salesmen. One in particular is out to get you.Taurus: April 20th – May 20thA moth infestation will lay waste to your poncho collection.Gemini: May 21st – June 21stPlanting a small flower garden will not bring you the sense of satisfaction you had hoped for.Cancer: June 22nd – July 22ndStop sniffing markers. For a better rush try aersol cans. You’ll thank me later.Leo: July 23rd – August 22ndThat is not a flesh wound. Get it checked out soon unless you want a peg- leg.Virgo: August 23rd – September 22ndTake up weaving. It will help you process the issues you are dealing with in your life.Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd.On Thursday you will be approached by a bearded stranger. If you take a quick left, you will easily avoid her.Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21stDrop everything and head west.Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21stYour dream of creating a New Kids On the Block cover band is lame.Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19thYou are as cool as you think you are. Watch your step when you’re walking up the stairs.Aquarius: January 19th – February 18thThat illness you have been suffering from (cough, vomiting inability to con- trol you faculties) will be diagnosed as Bieber Fever.Pisces: February 19th – March 20thBefore you go skinny dipping on Sunday with your new love interest, remember you can’t swim.