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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Proffesor Pheffer to Drink or Not to Drink

Slug+one+gown+ya+Gullet%0A

Slug one gown ya Gullet

SODEXO! The legendary food provider here at the university campus has recently introduced what has been described in magazine adds as the most awesome creation in the history of awesomeness AND creation: Professor Pheffer. This is the kind of soft drink that Don Draper himself couldn’t find the words to describe—it’s that good. I have actually tried it myself but I have heard some not-so-good things about it. A few students who have slugged a Pheffer done their gullet as the add suggests , have later complained of uncontrollable chattering of the teeth and swelling of the breasts. Also I have it from a reliable source that this new drink that’s quickly becoming all the rage on campus has got some questionable ingredients in it. A certain high ranking Sodexo employee confided in mass media to warn the public, on the grounds that his identity not be reveled but he stated that the insidiously delicious Professor Pheffer contains a certain stomach curling ingredient, Texas long- horn bone marrow. He went on to explain in a hushed tone and anxious manner that the process of harvesting and liquefying the marrow is relatively inexpensive and easy to do, and that with enough high fructose corn syrup and caramel dye you can get to people to drink anything. How would you like some bone marrow in your soda? It’s different but I caution you against being judgmental before you actually try it. I have bone marrow and as I’ve grown I have found that I like a lot of other organisms that also have bone marrow (humans for instance) but that’s where it ends. I’ve also heard that bone marrow is quite important so I can’t, in all good faith, say anything too bad about it but I feel that my relationship with bone marrow has got to have its limits. I for one do not know that I can tolerate having it in my soda. My soda has got to be done the right way—the American way—the morbidly obese way! Give me insane amounts of calories, massive amounts of sugar, and plenty of yellow dye number 5. Wait a minute, that doesn’t really sound good either. Is the bone marrow content in this new drink the main thing we should be worried about? This Professor Peffer thing sure does taste good and it even sounds good as I’m thinking about it but I’m not so sure it’s something I should be drinking too often—bone marrow or no.