HoroscopesAries: March 21st – April 19thAlthough you may not follow celebrity culture, it contains valuable lessons that you can learn from. A misplaced undergarment will cause you both pleasure and pain on Thursday.Taurus: April 20th – May 20thThe crushing realization that your best comedic tool is your silly, clumsy body will nudge its way into your consciousness on Wednesday, but it might take years before the sad truth sinks in fully Gemini: May 21st – June 21stYour wrongdoings haven’t gone completely unnoticed, though you still somehow managed to get yourself off the hook. Gosh, you’re a slippery little prick.Cancer: June 22nd – July 22ndYou may be going through a painful breakup and you may feel like there’s no hope. You might have lost your faith and forgot why you chose this winding path to being with. You probably feel like giving up. But you still look damn good naked.Leo: July 23rd – August 22ndAn ongoing, nonverbal flirtation will come to an abrupt, though anticlimactic, end this week.Virgo: August 23rd – September 22ndBeginning very soon, your sex drive will start to diminish. It will diminish steadily for the rest of your life, leaving you utterly asexual but eerily fulfilled.Libra: September 23rd – October 22ndSweaty armpits will be a problem this week due to the heat and humidity.Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21stStress from the new semester will cause you to be more hot-tempered than usual, so try to keep things in perspective. Avoid large bodies of water. Oh wait, you can’t!Sagatarius: November 22nd – December 21stYou need to settle down and plan ahead. Your exceptionally good luck will not be enough to get you through the week to come. A person you share close quarters with will offend you with their body odor late in the week.Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19thYou are feeling desperate, but have no fear. Stay the course! Love will find you, as well as some unwanted vermin.Aquarius: January 19th – February 18thPay attention to the fine print, don’t get so busy succeeding that you miss the seemingly minute details that your hyper-busy mind oft overlooks. For instance, your shoe’s untied.Pisces: February 19th – March 20thCongrats on making it through your first week, timid Pisces. I know this is tough for you but really try to stand up for yourself over the next few days. If you don’t find a spine, minor classroom injustices will begin to pile up and eventually consume you.