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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Terror-Formation UMB Science Center Experiences Jungle Fever

Chemists in UMB’s summersession were given the opportunityto experiment with a new chemicalcompound Dendroexpidium (DE).The chemical was supposed to be containedwithin controlled laboratorysettings. However, the potent mixturewas an applied to several of the plantsin the Science building’s fourth floorgreenhouse during a water balloonfight.While the cause of the fight is stillunclear, the outcome is evident. Duringthe scorching summer monthsvines and shrubs no larger than a fewfeet, grew to massive sizes. The plants,once confined to the small greenhouse,have spread well beyond its confinesinto the fourth floor corridor and overthe banister above the building’s atrium.The former houseplants are stillgrowing, now reaching sizes that competewith the greenery of the Amazon.”It was awe inspiring to comeacross, I never seen plant matter produceat this rate.” says Claude Kurt-Magpies, Chemistry professor andChairman of the Greenhouse committee.” At first when I heard the idiots inmy Chem. 345 class had misappropriatedthe DE I was livid. Actually, I wasin talks with the Dean of Students toget the whole class expelled.” Luck forthe Chemistry 345 students the junglehas grown at an unprecedented speed.” Those pin heads are at the center ofthe most important scientific discoveryin years.” Kurt-Magpies claimed.But the new flora is not welcomedby all. Sabre Lloyd, facilities manager,first reported the new plant life inlate June. Over the summer he hasmade every effort to get rid of the newgrowth.”I’m in this building every morningat 5am with a machete and a canof Round-Up trying to clear a pathwayso people can get to classes and things”.Lloyd explains that prevention is vital.Stray vines can get into the cracks ofthe bricks, expanding and exacerbatingcurrent structural flaws. “It’s a friggin’safety issue”.Lloyd has been forced to hire extrastaff to take care of the problem.Several work-study positions havebeen created to insure that the plantsdon’t cover any more ground. TonyaThomas was hired in mid August inefforts to control the plants growth beforethe first week of school.”Sure, I feel bad about cuttingthe trees down. But I’m getting paid$11.75 an hour. I can quit my job atthe Glass Slipper. My Mother is reallyproud of me”Professor Kurt- Magpies is spearheadinga program to turn the Jungleinto a State financed Nature Preserve.”I believe it’s best for the Commonwealthif we lay down the groundworkto save this beautiful forest beforethe jerks in the facilities departmentcut the whole thing down.” If the Staterefuses to back protection of the JungleKurt-Magpies would consider personallyfunding protection of the site.”I need this baby up until at leastFall 2012. I’m up for tenure then.”