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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

The hand sanitizer dilemma

There are two sides to every dilemma. In this case, are you the person giving the hand sanitizer, or receiving it? Trust me, there is suffering on both sides.

Let’s start with receiving it… you ask, tentatively, if you can have some of your friend’s hand sanitizer. They nod, unthinkingly. They do not care. Hand sanitizer seems a never-ending resource. The bottles are always lost before they are finished. Carelessly, they pull out the bottle, open the cap, and squeeze the clear gel into your outstretched hand. It’s not enough. They’ve given you a pea-sized amount of sanitizer, barely enough to sanitize your thumb. What do you say? What can you say? Nothing. You are lost, defeated, doomed to wander around for the rest of the day with germ-covered hands and one clean thumb. It is unthinkable to ask for more. Your friend has moved on, and now they are telling a funny story about their grandma. You watch as they splutter and guffaw. You watch their split fly across the room. You watch, in slow motion, as one of their spit droplets land on your still-outstretched hand. It’s all over.

Suppose, on the other hand, that they gave you too much. It’s just as bad, if not worse. It’s strange how gross your hands can feel when they are absolutely doused in a cleaning liquid. You wave your hands around in the air in an attempt to dry them. Of course, it doesn’t work. You casually rub the front of your hands down your jeans, then the backs, then the sides… ah yes, you look very normal.

Now, on to the dilemma of giving others sanitizer. Ah, the guilt! The terrible guilt when you pour too much sanitizer into their dirty hands and watch their looks of dismay as their hands quickly become clammy and dripping with gooey nose-startling sanitizer. They attempt to use their hands as mops, pushing the gel around in a futile attempt to get the vast quantity to sink into their skin. Their eyes water as the evaporated alcohol drifts upwards in great wafts of vapor. They are a shell of who they were only moments ago, utterly defeated and demoralized by the hand sanitizer dilemma. 

Or perhaps you gave them too little, and only their palms are properly sanitized. Now, they have a false confidence that they are germ-free. They dig into their finger foods with gusto! French fries, fried pickles, chips dunked carelessly in guacamole. Hamburgers, beef-burgers, cheeseburgers. A week later, they are deathly ill. It turns out that all it took to take your poor friend to the grave was one terrible germ on their pointer finger. It’s your fault. Their last words? “It wasn’t enough…

So, you can see why the hand sanitizer dilemma is not only a problem, but a national emergency. That is why I am officially starting a petition for the Perfect Hand Sanitizer Bottle, which dispenses an equal and appropriate amount of sanitizing gel with every pump: no more and no less. It will be the end of mopping your hands on your jeans, rubbing in the sanitizer for hours until your hands are completely saturated, or only receiving a pea-size drop of gel and remaining covered in germs. Trust me, this is a serious problem. And with serious problems, must come serious solutions. Join me today to fight for a better hand sanitizer bottle. You can find the movement at www.abetterhandsani-