What started as a scuffle between spouses quickly escalated to one of UMB’s most despicable post-coital debacles. Winston Hamfeast (23) and Jezebel Blastgell (22) met last semester at the “Movie Under the Stars Event.” From that point on, the two of them were inseparable. Winston accompanied Jezebel to classes; Jezebel went to Winston’s ultimate Frisbee matches; they ate lunch everyday in the Campus Center. Panegyric tirades of how wonderful the other was oozed from betwixt their flapping lips. Then, just as things couldn’t get any better, they got a whole lot worse.
Midterms took up Winston’s time. Jezebel was busy tutoring under privileged kids in Boston. Good reasons to be too busy – but jealousy took firm root in their minds and burst on this past Monday, the 21st. Burst in front of dozens of students in McCormack.
“It was… it’s hard to explain how horrible it was,” said Keith Uberman (28) of the sociology department. “It was like – they were just sitting and chatting on those benches on the second floor, you know, the ones right there after you get out of the catwalk. “Are you cheating on me?” Jezebel asked Winston, loud enough for everyone to hear. So, naturally, everyone stopped to take a gander at what promised to be more interesting that their upcoming Elizabethan England Midterm. Winston tried to calm her down, but it was to no avail. He didn’t help the situation by calling her a “negative Nancy” and a “paranoid Pauline.”
Very soon the two came to blows. When I asked who landed the first strike, no one was clear. Women in the crowd said that Winston started it. “Yeah, it was the guy,” said Sally Sourpuss. “She was all being reasonable and stuff and the he just went at her with a salad wrap he hadn’t eaten yet.” “It was Jezebel, or whatever her name is,” reported Brent Loudfellow. “I think she like poked him in the eye with her lipstick or something. The attack with the sandwich was just retaliation, you know.”
Who started the brawl? Was it Jezebel or Winston? Did Winston hit her with a sandwich or a salad wrap? These questions cannot be answered. However, one thing is for certain, what started as a needless scuffle between two loving mates quickly escalated.
“So, when we had sex on the 9th floor of the library last period, did that mean nothing to you?” Jezebel shouted, deflecting a third blow from the sandwich / salad wrap. According to sketchy witnesses of this prior event, the fornication had occurred no more than ten minutes earlier. “Yea, it was nothing to me. Just like your nothing to me!” The growing crowd produced one of those “oooo!” noises that follows a legitimately destructive burn such as the one Winston delivered. But the blow that Jezebel landed is one that cannot be rivaled or undone. Looking around to the spectators, especially the women, Jezebel measured what looked to be an inch between her thumb and index finger, then pointed to Winston’s crotch. While the jeering and brouhahaing continued for some time, most had to go to class, so the winner of this pointless argument cannot be easily determined.
Needless to say, T-shirts are being created to settle the dispute. On one, an image of Jezebel with her full name printed and the words “library sex-goddess” printed on the back. On the other shirt, Winston’s full name and an image of a ruler with an arrow pointing to his crotch.