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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Attack of the Mole-Men

Mole Monster emerges from the depths of hell.
Illustration by Gardi Arroyo
Mole Monster emerges from the depths of hell.

 

On January 31, 2011, staff and students in the science building started feeling tremors underfoot at 1:37PM. At first they thought it was an earthquake, but when it lasted longer than 45 seconds they assumed it was a Celtics game in overtime and were annoyed that nobody told them they were playing in the building. At 1:50PM, a hole opened in the EEOS offices and giant moles standing on two legs with big nasty sharp pointy teeth started swarming out.

Vice Chancellor of Campus Insecurity Red Chemise, visiting the office on a routine patrol, did not initially believe nearby observers. “Rodents of unusual size?” he said, “I don’t think they exist.” Several moles swarmed him approximately two seconds later. Onlookers described his final action as an ill-timed and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to retract his previous statement.

A few of the witnesses also expressed doubts that these were actually moles. “Really, they were more like land-based piranha with legs,” explained sophomore Biology major Felix Domesticus. “There’s no way a mole would eat like that, even with their vicious carnivorous four-inch teeth.”

Chancellor Motley spoke a few words when he heard of Red’s demise. “He kept our students safe, and no university can ask for more.” Red’s skeleton is now on display in several Biology 101 classes. Campus Health Services stated that no other people were even nipped. The moles escaped in the confusion of afternoon class change. By 2:43PM, eight of the moles were registered non-matriculated students in the Nursing program. Admissions officer Maurice “Moe” Kronagruber defended his admission decision, trying to hide his new Rolex. “Look, solid gold might not be a standard method of payment, but they paid out-of-state rates in full with no possibility of financial aid. Besides, we needed to improve our student diversity since Harvard added the dragon law professor and their new Cyclops basketball team.”

The biology department, using samples of mole man hair, determined that these moles were not  descendants of normal moles. “Their genetic makeup is completely chimerical, including mole, chimpanzee and lupine DNA,” explained Associate Professor Mark Papers. “We simply dumped enough hazardous waste to mutate them that much.” He shivered. “I don’t believe anyone intentionally made them, or why they would, but they clearly don’t belong to my department. I’d hate to lose my tenure over something like that!”