Aries

Friends will be looking to you to spark fun and excitement into their usually dull and boring lives. Fein interest in any random activity and they are sure to be pleased, and consider you an eternal well of fun and entertainment.

Taurus

Invest in nickels – it was recently discovered that the metal content of a nickel is actually worth 7 cents. Keep in mind it is illegal to destroy U.S. currency, like federal prison illegal so make sure you do your nickel smelting off-shore.

Gemini

Your expert communication skills will be put to the test as you attempt to moderate a disagreement between two friends over the untimely death of a pet.

Cancer

An uneventful, whole heartedly disappointing weekend will leave you deflated and irritable on Monday. However your spirits will be lifted due to a show of kindness and affection from a bearded stranger as you make your morning commute.

Leo

Do not be so quick to forgive the seemingly innocent pass made at your significant other/ mother/father/household pet. It may have seemed cute and potentially platonic, but its intent was much more sinister. Rule your roost!

Virgo

You will lend your amazing organizational skills to a classmate in the library with erotic results. Enjoy!

Libra

Stay away from romantic situations. Bad choices are hounding you. Attractive and exciting, but ultimately doomed to catastrophic failure. Protect your lower back from gentle caressing.

Scorpio

Jealousy is getting the better of you. Jealous of time spent away from you. You feel unusually angry and dejected. You want to be top priority. Well, sometimes that is just not feasible. People have busy lives – get over yourself.

Sagittarius

Play up your stoicism. Be the strong, silent type, borderline inconsiderate jerk, ladies love it when you barley seem to notice them. Men will consider it a challenge to their ability to spit game.

Capricorn

Show you true color – all your facades and attitudes make you hard to approach. People can’t get a read on you. Find you and be you. Also, double-check your shoelaces Wednesday afternoon.

Aquarius

“Just like the Pied Piper led rats through the streets. We dance like marionettes swaying to the symphony of destruction.” Words to live by, Megadeath.

Pisces

Don’t worry – the your life as you know it is crumbling around you, but the ride down can be fun if you keep things in perspective and chemically alter your state of mind.