Step into the mind of a douchebag.
Ok, so I’m no expert in Fashion or couture, (whatever that means) but I know horrible dressing when I see it. Haven’t you ever been walking around campus and seen that one girl and thought to yourself, “What the hell is she wearing?” If you have thought this, then I have good news for you. The good news is you’re not crazy, we’ve all thought this at some point. We are all witnesses to fashion faux pas of epic proportions on the campus of UMB and I have taken it upon myself to point them out. If you suspect you’re a bad dresser, stop reading this right now.
1) The first thing on my list is high heels. I do not have a problem with girls wearing high heels; as a matter of fact I think they’re quite sexy. What I do have a problem with is people putting on high heels and not knowing how to walk in them. You see them every day, wobbling and stumbling around like that homeless drunk guy at downtown crossing. It’s not a good look.
2) Ill fitting pants/ leggings/ jeggings are quite a sorry sight. I have to admit though, I’m regularly guilty of this crime with my skinny jeans and all, but justice must still be served. I think it’s a good thing for plus sized people to be comfortable in their own skin and not obsess about their weight, but don’t the signs written on clothes tags mean anything to you. Let me break it to you gently, YOU ARE NOT A SIZE ZERO. This phenomenon never ceases to amaze me. On behalf of all UMB students with eyes, I implore you to spare us the lucid sight of your exact shape. Life is hard enough as it is.
3) I think that a foolproof way to identify a douche bag is to look for that dude/ girl wearing sunglasses inside. In case you didn’t know, girls can also be referred to as douche bags. Back to the matter at hand, Rayban sunglasses are cool and everything, but inside? The sun definitely doesn’t shine indoors, so in your elaborate attempt to look cool, you end up looking rather foolish and that’s nobody’s fault but you and your sunglasses.
4) I don’t know how boring your classes are, but do you really need to come dressed in your PJs? Do you also have a pillow in your backpack? Perhaps a sleeping bag as well? I know UMB is no runway, but the whole “I don’t give a sh*t pajamas” look is really cliché. Be a little more creative people. I’m just saying; when you wear pajamas to school you look like you haven’t showered in a while. It’s not cool.
5) I personally believe that with different seasons, there should be different clothes worn. I mean nobody wears North Faces in July, so is it okay to wear short shorts in October? Well it’s not! It is not cute when you put on a sweater with shorts and top it off with uggs. Are you saying that your legs are immune to cold, but your feet and upper body aren’t? I can totally see how that makes sense.
6) I’ve seen a few girls with really hairy moustaches recently and I don’t know if they’re real or not. Honestly I don’t really care. Maybe you have a little too much testosterone in you, or maybe Halloween’s everyday for you. I don’t know why your upper lip looks like a squirrel’s tail, but for all our sakes I beg you, get rid of it. It makes you look like a deranged pedophile.