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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Apocalypse Maybe Now… Maybe tomorrow… Definitely maybe…

Volcano+Erupting
Volcano Erupting

The end of the world is near. Some thought it was going to be May 21, but it never came and a miscalculation was realized and corrected to Oct. 21. But let’s be honest with ourselves. It could happen any day now! At any moment the sky could turn red and rain down fire as the battle between good and evil begins. God and Satan have their plans all laid out, but what are you going to be doing? Well, if you haven’t been invited to an apocalyptic Facebook event already, here are the top five things you want to do as God and Satan fight and struggle for the souls of the Earth on the day of days.

SEE IT

The first thing you should do is WAKE UP! DON’T SLEEP THROUGH THE END OF THE WORLD! As scary as it will be to witness all the death, destruction and the termination of mankind, you should really get up and check it out. You don’t want to be the guy in the afterlife walking around hearing other people’s cool stories about doomsday and all you have to bring to the plate is, ‘My shades were down and I didn’t realize what was happening.’ That’s boring and no way to start the afterlife. So make sure your alarm clock is set, circle the date on your calendar and leave a memo for yourself because you are not going to want to miss this.

START DRINKING

As much as you don’t want to miss the last day, you kind of want to miss the last day. Take to cheers, start drinking early and often to help get into a different state of mind. Into a state of mind that can take the ending of your existence on Earth with a drunken smile and burp. After you have finished all the beer and liquor at your place, head to your local pub or tavern where spirits will be aplenty. I’m sure everything will be on the house, if not, put it on your card and buy a round for everyone because it’s the end of the world and, at this point, you might as well be the richest person on the planet.

GET SOME

This is a no brainer… get laid. There’s no tomorrow, so there are no consequences. The only reason we are here is to breed. To take these bodies we were given and to press them against another body to create a state of ecstasy that can only be derived from sex. Giving yourself to someone and that person giving themself to you is a beautiful thing. So try to do it as many times as you can on the last day of the world! And if you can’t get laid on this day then you might as well… well don’t kill yourself, you’ll be gone in less then 24 hours anyway. Just stick around and take the ending like a man. A MAN THAT CAN’T GET LAID! HA HA HA! Seriously though, it should be pretty easy. If a girl makes eye contact with you and smiles, smile back, walk up to her and simply ask if she would like to go find a place to fool around. That is it. Be blunt, it’s the end of the world so no time for small talk. You are going to get a lot of no’s but there are plenty of other fish in the sea that know they are not going to be fish tomorrow, so go find one and make some fish goo. If you’re really down on your luck, fuck a fish.

VISIT FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Visiting all your friends and family may be a hard thing to do. Unless they all live within a five block radius of your house, you’re not going to get to see all of them. In fact, I don’t recommend going anywhere in a vehicle as the streets will be filled with drunken folks and orgies. Also it’s going to be really dangerous to drive because I’m pretty sure no one is going to obey the traffic lights and signs. If you do venture out remember if you come to a four way intersection at the same time as any of the horsemen of the apocalypse, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!

You are not going to head out to see family and friends because it will take up your whole day and I’m sure they will be doing the same thing, trying to make the best of their last moments. You do have a phone though. Take some time and give them a call. I suggest calling everyone on your contact list and let them know you love them, even if it took the ending of the world for you to realize it. Fuck, tell everyone you run into that you love them; it’s the freaking end of the world, why not?

GO TO CHURCH

After you’ve been drinking and trying to make as much love as you possibly could all day, head over to church because it turns out they know exactly what they were talking about. Yeah, it’s a little awkward to be praising a God that is about to destroy all of humanity, but they will have wine and you might meet a special someone you could take behind the church organ and make some music, if you catch my drift 😉

So in conclusion don’t spend your last day wondering if you are going to be seen as a righteous person and saved or if you’re doomed to spend eternity in the lake of fire, in less then 24 hours you are going to know. So live like there’s no tomorrow because there isn’t going to be one. See you on the other side… or Oct 22.

P.S. Look for this article again Dec. 20, 2012.