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The Mass Media

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March 4, 2024
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An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
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A Toilet Quest

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No one likes using public restrooms; that is just an indisputable fact of life. Some bathroom experiences are forever burned into our minds, but most are entirely unmemorable. A few can be classified as “not bad,” which, in public restroom jargon, means “I didn’t feel the need for a haz-mat suit.”

UMB’s restrooms generally fall into the unmemorable-but-slightly- annoying category. They are generally dark, dingy, under-stocked and a little smelly, but definitely manageable in the early morning and afternoon class times. I warn you, though, steer clear of the bathrooms during late afternoon classes, when toilet paper, soap and paper towels are endangered species.

The bathrooms on the upper floors of Healey, namely floors six and above, are generally underused and thus pretty much always have toilet paper and are not full of people. It is nice to have some peace. Also, these bathrooms are generally a bit more well lit. I believe one of the reasons they are underused is that they can be hard to locate. If you just finished an extra large latte, begin the quest to find a bathroom before it is too late.

In the Science Building, and Wheatley Hall, the bathrooms are pretty generic. I would avoid bathrooms right off the hallway as those generally see more foot traffic. The frequency of the bathrooms in these two buildings generally prevents major lines – well, any more major than to be expected in a girl’s bathroom. I would still suggest going to the bathroom during class to avoid getting stuck in the bathroom line and risk being late for your next class.

Major downside to the aforementioned bathrooms: stainless steel. Stainless steel likes to display everything that has ever come in contact with it; thus, when you go to open a stall door, you can see just how many people have opened the door before you. Advice: grab a paper towel or use your shirtsleeve to open and close the door to avoid spreading the “love” around.

But fear not, fellow UMBers, for there are a few bathroom meccas on our little campus.

On my crusade to find a usable bathroom, I stumbled upon what I would like to henceforth christen the best bathroom at UMB. This masterpiece is located on the second floor of McCormack. If you are coming up the stairs, take the first left into the hallway; the bathroom will be on your left. If you are coming from the skywalk, walk to the stairs and follow the previous directions. This bathroom is bright, large, clean, has large mirrors, and has always been stocked in my experience. Also, it does not have stainless steel! The other bathrooms in McCormack are generally cleaner and a little better than Healey, Wheatley, and the Science building, but no bathroom can hold a candle to this second floor wonder.

The other bathrooms I would recommend are in the Campus Center. They are all new and bright and shining and clean. They are a great first stop right after your morning commute, or a great last stop before your evening commute. They are not great enough to make a trip out to CC during classes though; you would never make it between classes without being late. Trust me, I tried it.

All in all, the UMB bathrooms fit the mold: they are generally dark, dingy, difficult to locate and unmemorable, with a few exceptions.