Dr Marcus Sexington Fitzpatrick von Rictinshine is an outside advice columnist. He is a critically acclaimed, internationally recognized, certified expert on everything. If you can conceive it he can offer you an in depth and analytical opinion on it. He has a noble peace and war prize and has been consulted on every emotion from loathsome, virile, hatred to unabashed, suffocating adoration. That being said his views are his own and are not representative of Mass Media or Mass Media Staff.

Dear Dr Rictinshine

I am desperate. I don’t know what to do and I have nowhere else to turn I have tried everything and they are still everywhere. Fucking bedbugs! It all started when I returned home from a business trip to Kansas City. I didn’t have much cash so I stayed is a seedy motel, the kind of place where the sheets are always sticky. Anyway I figure I must have brought them back with me from that filthy place. Nasty blood sucking bedbugs! I have tried everything to get rid of them. My first move was to wash everything bed sheets to bed frame but that was completely useless . Next I moved to over the counter pesticides but they only slowed the evil blood sons of bitches down for a night or two. Finally in desperation I hired a professional exterminator to the tune of 15gs. Even after spending two nights at a friend’s house while home was turned into a deadly circus tent the bugs remained. I called the exterminator and they basically said tough shit. I don’t have the money to go to another company and I’m not sure it would matter anyway. I don’t know what to do please help me! Signed Eaten Alive

Dear Eaten Alive

I’m not surprised to hear your having so much trouble exterminating this tenacious pest. Once established bedbug colonies can be damn near impossible to eliminate. They have a rapid generation rate; they can replenish their numbers as fast as you can knock them down. Plus as you move about the house sleeping in different places to avoid being bitten you actually spread them throughout your home because they can and will travel up to 50 meters in search of food. The reason your exterminator’s poison didn’t work is also do to the bedbugs amazing ability to reproduce. They can develop immunities very quickly that can be very specialized so as to make them almost totally resistant to a specific (or depending on the age of the colony) a myriad of poisons. What I suggest is a controlled burn of everything in your home that is bedbug inhabitable, bed, couch, stuffed animals, laundry piles, carpet. What your going to want to do is soak down your walls and ceiling with the garden hose and then starting with the suspected origin of the infestation, most often your bed burn it to the ground. Be very careful not to let the fire spread to parts of the house that you don’t have bedbugs. The smoke and flames should drive out the infestation, as an added precaution you might want to remove yourself from the premises. With a ruined environment and a lack of food what bedbugs do remain should vacate or die off in a couple weeks time.