Aries: March 21st – April 19thYour constant quantification of your own self-worth is really damaging to your self-es- teem. You just be the best you can be and avoid the water – something lurks within.Taurus: April 20th – May 20thBe a recluse this week. Delete your facebook page, skip class, make cupcakes at home, and enjoy them in your favorite slippers in front of the TV. Rinse, repeat.Gemini: May 21st – June 21stThe structure in which you go about your daily routines of wake and sleep will burn to the ground perhaps Thursday but most likely Friday. A bearded stranger will rescue you and your kitty and put you both up for the night in his or her bungalowCancer: June 22nd-July22ndSomeone will make an offhand remark about the odd shape of your head. Get over it or invest in hats you funny-headed weirdo.Leo: July 23rd – August 22ndAn embarrassing cafeteria incident will threaten your well-established rep for being a smooth operator. Take steps to conceal the stain and carry on unflaped.Virgo: August 23rd – September 22ndApply your fastidious nature to your personal hygiene. Trim them nose hairs – they are starting to look like a mustache.Libra: September 23rd – October 22ndOther people should not and will not validate your existence. The number of friends you have is not who you are. Find an interest and devote a substan- tial amount of time and energy to it and you will be greatly fulfilled. Spiders are plotting against you.Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21stA trip to the rodeo will result in a serious injury to your left nut/ovary.Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21stCount every single freckle on your skin. Multiply it by 13 and divide by 5. The result is the number of days left for you to be rich.Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19thYour life is not really in auto-tune – that is merely a chemical imbalance.Aquarius: January 19th – February 18thYou will try a plum for the first time. You will be excited by the prospect of experiencing a delicious new flavor. However it will be over- ripe and ruin your outlook on purple foods in general.Pisces: February 19th – March 20thYou will spend an hour or so fantasizing about the comely person sitting across from you on the train. Just as your fantasy reaches its climax, you will be struck with the realization that the object of your desire is actually the opposite gender you thought he/she was. Gargle some whiskey and let.