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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Semi-fictional Penal Misadventures

On Sunday the 16th of January, around 3 AM the ATMs in McCormack (enraged by how little they were being fed) set off their own alarm. The police fed each ATM a 20$ snack – which they withdrew the following day around 10 AM. The ATMs seem to be oblivious.

On Tuesday the 18th of January, around 10:30 in the evening faulty fire alarm-wiring wrung recklessly in the Healy Library. The UMB police responded swiftly, turning off the devices. Meanwhile, an investigation into the cause of the false alarm (which originally pointed to the nemesis of the PD, seagulls) led nowhere. At 6 AM someone finally checked an alarm in the basement and found a stale muffin lodged within the wiring of a mechanism. The muffin was promptly removed and discarded.

On Wednesday the 19th of January, around 9 PM property gone missing on January 11th was anonymously returned to the administration building. The box of crayons (the stolen item) was finally recovered. Police are continuing to investigate in search of a perpetrator.

On Thursday the 20th of January, around 3:15 PM an alarm went off in the McCormack building. The alarm was checked, turned off, the building secured, cause still unknown.

Also on Thursday the 20th, around noon a report of larceny was called in from the south lot. When the UMB police arrived on the scene and the VW Beetle reported missing steps were taken for pursuit. The victim of the theft (while pacing up and down the aisles of cars) discovered his car one row over from where he thought it was. Police laughed at him then left the scene.

On Friday the 21st of January, around 12:10 PM an emergency call signaled the UMB police who arrived on the scene shortly before the ambulance who removed the injured man (who slipped on ice) and shipped him to the hospital.

Also on Friday the 21st, the easily-aggravated alarm in the McCormack building sounded again around 5 PM. For the second time, the UMB police looked into the source of the alarm but were able to find nothing. Investigations are ongoing.