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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Semi-fictional Penal Misadventures

 

A juvenile complaint was called in to the UMass PD around 5 PM, January 9th. Apparently, a child, left unsupervised by his mother, threw a tantrum in the middle of the atrium of the Campus Center. Police arrived just in time (preventing the child from writing all over the white-washed walls with a cerulean crayon). The child sat in the corner for an hour and thought about what he did – the mother was not charged. Though they handcuffed her to her child and took away the child’s Crayolas.

An incident of larceny was reported in the wee hours of the morning (11:30) to the UMass PD, January 11th. Anonymous administration member bought her daughter box of Crayola crayons. Despite searching for two days, the crayons remain MIA. Pricey investigation is ongoing.

An alarm within a service building sounded and was responded to later in the day of January 11th. The building was quickly and efficiently checked and secured. Wily seagulls suspected.

Threats were reported to the UMass PD at 9:10 on January 14th from 225 Franklin Street, in Boston’s financial district. Evidently, some well-disciplined investors from DC staying in the nearby Langham Hotel had had enough of the parking. Enraged by the traffic and the quadruple-parked smart-cars, they took their frustrations out on passing Boston Duck tour. Obscenities and threats were passed – several individuals from Portland Oregon vow never to come to Boston again. No disciplinary actions were taken.

On January 15th, around 4:30 PM, the Harbor Point Security force called for backup when suspicious eight year olds were seen playing hopscotch near the visitors entrance. Assistance was rendered. Eight year olds spoken to, objects taken into the possession of the involved units. Two jump ropes, a tub of chalk, and a white teddy-bear (named Sir Lancelot) are still MIA.