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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

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March 4, 2024
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February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Singles awareness day

  There was a reason  the Romans bludgeoned and beheaded St. Valentine. Next to the blitz of festivities in December, Valentine’s Day is the most stressful holiday on record. In elementary school the teachers always made students give a card to each kid in the class. These days most people aren’t so lucky. St. Valentine’s day is a cruel joke for singles. As if the piercingly cold weather wasn’t  bad enough, singles must be reminded of their solitude at every turn. For many, there may seem like no way to escape the extravagant  one-upsmanship  the holiday engenders. But I am here to tell you there is hope for the lonely this February 14th. Here are a few tips for making the heart- encrusted day more bearable without going overboard on sugar and alcoholic beverages.

Make a Bonfire Breaking up is hard to do. It is even worse when there are little reminders of the failed union cluttering up your life. Love letters, photos, and other trinkets turn from nice thought to painful reminder very quickly. The best thing  to do is dispose of the junk immediately. I suggest an old fashion bonfire. With no lover to keep you warm, why not opt for a well crafted habatchi or fire pit. This activity is perfect for friends. Sharing stories about your old ex’s smelly feet and inability to handle criticism will be cathartic. Trust me, nothing feels better than burning your old flame in effigy.

Karaoke I have spend more than a few nights curled up by the computer crooning Alanis Morrisette. Yet to often the lyrics were gurgled by the sounds of my tears and the near inhalation of Peach Ice Cream. This V-Day it is time to take my show on the road. Local karaoke bars will be filled with with singles prepared to cheer on any soul willing to take the stage. But please, no love songs! Your repertoire should be strictly comprised of  break up tunes.Be sure to pour out all of that pent up anxiety into your performance. Who knows, you might end up with some new fans.

Strip Club I don’t care what T-Pain said, the Strip Club is the most loveless place in the universe. Personally, I’m not a fan of watching woman or men gyrate for dollars. But going to the Strip Club on Valentines day is a form of protest. Why should you be fixated on love when you would rather just see someone get naked? Love can be fun. But lust is what has kept the human race going for centuries. Celebrate our salacious heritage with a stack of singles. Because unlike some last minute date, that stripper will really appreciate the money you spend.