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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

End the Year in Style

If you party hard enough you may just be so lucky as to end up
like these happy people!

If you party hard enough you may just be so lucky as to end up like these happy people!

Hello, sexy youths. It’s the end of the semester and the year as far as I’m concerned. Along with the end of the year comes the inevitable ‘I’m almost done! Yippee!’ However, I’d like to throw in my four cents if I might. Just because you may feel like you’re on the home stretch and all your work is done, doesn’t actually mean there isn’t still work to be done. I want you to let that sink in-let it marinate a little bit and then text me to tell me how it feels. On a first, cursory glance, it may appear that my words don’t make sense but that’s not on me. In fact, it’s on you for being an idiot who doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand the things I’m trying to explain to you. I am urging you, my fellow UMB students, to end the year right-more specifically-on a high note. Am I telling you to get high? Yes, yes I am telling you to do something that can and will impair your judgment and perhaps cause you to stuff yourself until your stomach bursts because you didn’t realize just how famished you were before you put that beautiful joint to your lips and inhaled.

It’s true that being caught with that sweet Mary Jane wrapped around your lips could get you jailed (and if you still live with your parents it could also be a source of some serious embarrassment-stay safe, you two!) but so what? Would you rather spend the final few weeks of 2011 studying so you can ace those finals OR would you rather spend them playing the drunk/high version of a “Would you Rather?” I am telling you to put your life on the line in what theoretically could be the second-to-last year of your life. Remember, the world WILL end next year whether you believe it or not. If you want to go down like some sad sap sucker who only did “the right thing” and who never got in trouble because you were too scared to take any risks, that’s on you. But please heed my warning. It isn’t worth it to go down this way. Also, think of it this way: if you do something crazy and end up getting yourself killed in a blaze of glory THIS year, you’ll save yourself the trouble of having to live through the apocalypse NEXT year. All my life I’ve lived by a code ,and the code is simple: honor the gods, love your woman, and defend your country. My friend Tony lives by another code: drink it up, smoke it up, and f@$* it up.

He is known among the peoples of Massachusetts as a wise man and it would be a smart move on your part if you paid attention to his words and did your best to do as he says. Seriously, you do not want to defy him.

I’m the kind of man that likes to see people happy and when I say something or give advice you can believe I’m doing so with the purest of intentions.