BY Cedric Martinand Colin Kelly
Tuesday, April 197:58 a.m. – Alarm call in the Campus Center. Everything was OK.
Wednesday, April 201:35 p.m. – Trashcan fire in Wheatley Hall near the Snowden Auditorium. Fire was extinguished-but at what price glory?
3:14 p.m. – Disturbance reported in the Healey Building computer lab. Apparently there was a disagreement as to whether Wolverine or Sabertooth would be victorious in a hypothetical battle.
4:14 p.m. – Staff member reported being assaulted in the Campus Center.
7:44 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Administration Building. Robble robble.
Thursday, April 216:40 p.m. – Suspicious substance reported outside of Wheatley Hall. There was a car leaking gasoline. Terror level raised to flamingo-pink.
7:02 p.m. – Breaking and entering reported in the Administration Building. Group of people were trying to get into the food service area. A warning was issued. Oliver Twist and his cronies were sent back to the orphanage without a second helping of porridge.
Saturday, April 2312:48 p.m. – Motor vehicle accident outside of the Healey Building. Truck drove into the ceiling of the Lower Level breaking open a pipe, once and for all disproving the widespread notion that the maximum height signs are just empty threats.
1:49 p.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Clark Center. Party was OK and did not need any further medical attention. For now…
1:53 p.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Clark Center. Party reported pains and was taken to the medical center by ambulance.
1:58 p.m. – Assault reported in the Administration Building. Party had an altercation with two men who were armed with knives and tried to stab said party. Them Sharks and Jets can never seem to get along.
4:36 p.m. – Disturbance in the lower busway. A fight broke out causing a group of over 160 people to block traffic, refusing to disperse… just another Saturday at UMass Boston. We don’t take kindly to a ruckus ’round here, this ain’t UMass Amhrest.
Monday, April 259:26 a.m. – Larceny reported in the Wheatley Hall. Robble robble.
12:07 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Campus Center.
12:59 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Science Center. Hamburgler alludes authorities yet again.
10:47 p.m. – Disorderly conduct reported in the Healey Library. Party was upset that the computer lab was closing and created a disturbance. Party later posted a threatening message on MySpace.com directed at a lab consultant, resulting in a bitter AOL Instant Messenger battle. All because he tried to print an 11-page synopsis of the series finale of Dawson’s Creek, clearly exceeding the 10-page printing limit.