ByCEDRIC MARTIN
Tuesday, April 53:50 p.m. – Larceny in the administration building. Robble robble.4:08 p.m. – Traffic control needed for large function at J.F.K. Library.
Wednesday, April 611:19 a.m. – Larceny in the Healey Library.12:49 p.m. – Hit and Run in the lower level of the Wheatley parking garage. Still the best prank in the book. The old hit and run never gets old.7:10 p.m. – Drunkenness reported in the Campus Center. Mass Media advertising manager was told to go home and sleep it off.11:46 p.m. – Alarm call in the Healey Building. Service rendered. That’s what she said.
Thursday, April 711:00 a.m. – Breaking and entering reported in the Healey Library. Door was damaged by assailant whose academic concentration was described as “ox cart pulling.”11:58 a.m. – Employee in Wheatley Hall reported being threatened by co-worker over ownership of the new Sponge Bob watch from Burger King.3:42 p.m. – Fire reported off campus. Brush fire behind pumping station. Boston fire responded and extinguished the flames, with righteousness and justice!
Saturday, April 92:29 a.m. – Alarm call in the McCormack Building.10:18 a.m. – Alarm call in the Wheatley Hall.11:40 a.m. – Suspicious person reported in the Campus Center. Party was given a verbal trespassing warning and sent to bed without desert. Fine, you can have one scoop of ice cream. Okay, you can have two. But no sprinkles.
Monday, April 111:20 p.m. – Indecent exposure reported in the Wheatley Hall. Suspect was gone upon arrival. That’s right you’ll never catch me…errr…I mean…I heard he’s got a nice lookin’ piece.3:04 p.m. – Disturbance reported in the Campus Center. Party disrupted a meeting. Geez um, how are we supposed to synergize and manage our portfolios with this person disturbing us? Someone’s thinking inside the box.7:07 p.m. -Drunkenness reported on University Drive North. Party passed out and was taken by ambulance to a health center. Whew, now that was a wild party. Nothin’ like ending a two and a half week bender with a little R&R at the ol’ health center.