COMPILED BY CEDRIC MARTIN AND COLIN KELLY

Tuesday, April 261:17 p.m. – Larceny reported in the McCormack Building. Robble robble.6:33 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Clark Center.

Wednesday, April 278:05 a.m. – Alarm call in the McCormack Building. Everything was checked and found to be secure. Terror level lowered to White Castle brown.12:17 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Clark Center. Large money sacks were stolen by what appeared to be a ghost. Like, to the Mystery Machine, man.

Thursday, April 285:22 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Clark Center. Item was found by owner and report was cancelled. The ghost, who turned out to be a grumpy old man in a rubber mask trying to protect his stolen treasure, was also apprehended-thanks to the help of some curious kids and the lovable antics of their dim-witted dog.7:12 p.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Administration Building. Shaggy-haired investigator found overdosing on what he kept referring to as “Scooby snacks.”

Wednesday, April 2911:22 a.m. – Disorderly conduct reported on the Service Road. Party was arrested and sentenced to 10 years hard labor on a chain gang by mean ol’ Judge Carverton. Just kidding! This isn’t Georgia, we have laws here.7:43 p.m. -Alarm call reported in the Administration Building.

Sunday, May 19:29 a.m. -Alarm call in the Service Building.3:38 p.m. -Larceny reported in the Campus Center.

Monday, May 28:15 a.m. – Disturbance reported in the Campus Center. Party was found on shuttle bus and taken to the hospital for, like, evaluation.3:48 p.m. – 209 Service in the Service Building…Yeah, I’ve got no idea what that means either. My girlfriend told me she needed a 209 Service once and the next thing I knew she was sleeping with a middle-aged Catholic and I wasn’t allowed to be within 200 feet of her.