COMPILED BY CEDRIC MARTIN

Tuesday, May 34:41 p.m. – Hit and run accident in the North Lot. That’s what she said.9:40 p.m. – Alarm call in the Service Building. Everything was okay.

Wednesday, May 47:12 a.m. – Alarm call in the Wheatley Hall. Everything was secured.8:00 a.m. – Party requested a restraining order. Service was not rendered.11:50 a.m. – Suspicious person reported in Wheatley hall. Party was going through bags and what not, perhaps looking for his/her self-esteem.12:34 p.m. – Suspicious person reported in the plaza. Party was staring at women. Yeah, a male on campus staring at a female, well that narrows down the suspects to about 4,000.12:39 p.m. – Another restraining order requested. Service was not rendered, again.1:45 p.m. – Harassment reported in the Wheatley Hall. Party was receiving harassing phone calls. “If I told them once I’ve told them a million times, Yes, I’m happy with my long-distance calling plan and, no, I don’t want to switch to Sprint. No one uses Sprint. What kind of backwards fool do you take me for? What, do you think I’m from upstate New York or something?2:58 p.m. -Suspicious person reported in the Clark Center. Party was gone on arrival. Batman?

Thursday, May 56:31 a.m. – Alarm call in the Wheatley Hall. Everything was checked and secured.2:23 p.m. – Alarm call in the Wheatley Hall. Everything was okay and alarm company was contacted.3:08 p.m. – Larceny in the Clark Center. Robble robble.

Friday, May 64:40 a.m. – False fire alarm in the Campus Center due to mechanical malfunction.4:15 p.m. – False fire alarm in the Science Center due to mechanical malfunction. Moments earlier, physics students stumbled upon a wormhole while doing some experiments. Upon reentry into the building all data had mysteriously vanished.

Monday, May 98:52 a.m. – Restraining order requested. Service rendered. Booya!11:28 a.m. – Larceny reported in the McCormack Building.