The Week in Campus News – Print to Fit!
“Journalism-ness at it’s most-excellent!”
Week #4: Viva La News!
WOLVES RETURN TO HORRORIZE CAMPUS CENTER
BY SKIP MAXWELL
The UMASS campus is again under the threat of attack by a pair of lurking, sentient wolves. Perched in front of the Campus Center, these animals are waiting, waiting to destroy our lives and hold us in absolute terror.
Wolves like these are commonly found in North America. At night, these ferocious predators cruise the strips of our suburbs looking to pick up some human slaughter. Notable for their dispassionate murder of children and a cool, seductive allure that overpowers honest, god-fearing wives and daughters, werewolves are awesome.
On campus, the threat of the wolves is a quietly discussed topic amongst the students. In the university’s Atrium Cafe, the community was saying little.
“Yeah, [the werewolves out front] are awesome I guess,” said freshman Christo Santo-Howez (23, CAS), adding “Can I order my sandwich now?”
Much like Christo’s sandwich, UMASS Boston students must be aware of the threat of these horrific beats of moonlight.
CAMPUS CENTER “CHILL-OUT DAYS” DRAWS RECORD NUMBERS
BY DAVID BEN-LAWRENSTEIN
There is something in the air this week in the campus center-FUN! On Wednesday and that other day that comes after it last week, the Campus Center hosted a carnival of fun stuff that was kind of like a carnival -except with less rides and more death-metal.
Over the whole two-day soirée, students ate, sang and played mini-golf while the glorious sounds of tribal drum circle stuff rang throughout the halls of the Campus Center.
In the Center’s Upper Level, an inflatable race track delighted students both older, younger, and so young that they aren’t even students.
“Step off, m–therf-ker,” said one unknown student while cutting people in line.
The “Chill Out” days concluded with a record-setting student concert hosted by the Synergy Club. The many acts showcased the worlds of true reggae, dancehall, mixed lightly-ethnocized emo-jazz-hop, white rap, and ultra-metal. M.C. Cliffy, guest rapper for metal makers Slaughter By Nature delighted the crowd with his fresh line, “I’m sick! I’ll stab you with your own d-k.”
*Editorial Note: We here at the ULTRA-NEWS-SQUAD feel that this last piece was lacking in our own brand of comic humor due to the fact that the event itself was really funny.
CAMPUS RECIEVES BOUNTY OF PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGNS
BY JANET “Cleavland” STEEMIR
This week the Campus Center was inundated with promotions ranging from lowered bus fares, flavored water, and pseudo art shows that are really glorified commercials.
“Fantastic” exclaimed one student upon receiving a set of dog tags and a logo-laden sticker that stated “No hating, No locking.” Whatever that means.
In a slightly more legitimate set-up, the awesome Coca-Cola corporation was on hand to solicit members of the “kinda f–‘d up, but still in college” demographic with samples of their own new energy beverage which as one student quipped “tastes like my own urine after a sick bender.”
The company also discarded its flavored water which student Hillary Beaverton (23,CAS) aptly described: “Like why would you add lemon into water before serving it? Not to mention, that lemon in water isn’t supposed to be sweet.” She added with some emphasis, “If I were at the club and somebody served me this, I would knock their tray out of their hands, slap them in the face, and tell them it was their fault for being insolent”
*Editorial Note: We here at the ULTRA-NEWS-SQUAD feel that Ms. Beaverton is correct in her assertion that lemon flavored saccharine water is the most disgusting thing ever conceived in a boardroom, we do however, disagree with her hypothetical treatment of service staff.
THE ONE-STOP: ONE STOP FOR ACTION!
By STAN “Hot Carl” GOETZAM
In the heart of the Campus Center’s atrium on the Upper Level, a centralized hub is churning out the students needs. From financial aid to finding out your schedule, the campus’s “One-Stop” is the university’s answer to one of its most frequently asked questions: “What the f–k is going on with my tuition?”
Questions like this (usually without the swearing) are cited by many students as their only frustration with such an excellent academic institution.
Fighting tirelessly day and night (9-4 weekdays) these administrative special forces are kicking ass to make sure that you don’t have to do so much when taking care of really important stuff.
“It’s really making my life so much easier,” said one student as he was taking care of some business.
“This One-Stop makes the paperwork so much easier,” he added to the office’s value.
“Before I knew it was here, I was so nervous that I would sit in bed at night thinking about it, crying softly and unsure about my future. But then my mom told me it would be okay, so that made it better,” he said.