The Week in Campus News Filtrated for your Consumption and Enjoyment!

SNOW-FURY CREATES CHAOS!By SKIP MAXWELL

The UMASS campus was the recipient of a massive grant of snow this week from a weather thing called a blizzard. Created by god and summoned by some warlock of nature, this storm pounded our campus all week, making the first week of classes and add-drop week even more easy and fun to deal with. To add to the add-drop week’s snow-fun, tiny, beautiful particles of snow collected inside of a vent creating a multi-dollar disaster that destroyed parts of the ceiling on various floors of our own brand new, also multi-dollar Campus Center. When interviewed about The ULTRA-NEWS SQUAD’s story on the blizzard, students at school had a lot to say- “What is this? Seriously, I am freezing and this is a waste of my time,” demanded graduate assistant Judy Bookenmaker 27. Others all over the campus center responded to our high level of journalismness with similar respect and admiration-“Wow, the ceiling is f–ked up!” said freshman David Nhutanthadu, 19, CAS. He continued on to add, “It reminds me of like that Star Wars flick where it opens up and they’re on some kind of ice planet and the empire like attacks their base they’re all running through it while ice and water fall around them, you know and Luke Skywalker has to sleep inside the belly of that dead animal. Man, Star Wars is awesome-unlike this bulls–t”

SODEXHO PUNISHES COMPETITION TO REMAIN NUMBER ONE. By DORIS BRADSTRET

The first week of classes is over and it appears that Sodexho food service’s food services are back in full swing (we say swing because the food service’s food services are like you, the student, when you’re trying to decide between BK or “the inflation fighter”- you could go either way!) Beginning Monday, students and teachers mobbed the food court in a feeding frenzy of feeding frenzy. The ULTRA-NEWS SQUAD was dispatched immediately to the food court to capture the activity and perhaps a sub or something lighter, like a salad.Upon our entrance, the robust aromas and smells reminded this reporter of what it is like to be among normal people. Feeling exhilarated by the thrill of basic human interaction, The ULTRA-NEWS SQUAD asked some of the students about their thoughts on the Food Court. “My food was pretty good” said Steve, 23, “and yeah, I am seeing someone…but, you seem nice so if any of my friends are really desperate I’ll give you a call”

THE GAME ROOM: WHAT EVERY STUDENT MUST KNOWBy STAN GOETZEM The ULTRA-NEWS SQUAD has discovered a palace of earthly desire located on the upper level of the campus center. The Game Room, named for both the variety of amusements offered and the increased propensity to score, is giving students a zesty break from the drudgery of classes, commuting and other structural forms of wasted time that students are gruffly handed as their lives at school.”Good Break!” shouted Jose, 19, a freshman who along with some other guy was playing pool at the many tables in the main Game Room hall.In addition to the main area the room also offers a mini arcade that has like six wicked ghetto video games. The one major exception (it is still really old, but oh-so satisfying even today) is Police: 911. This game allows you do what every student dreams about doing in some way every day-to shoot people on campus absent of restraint or concern for conservation of ammunition, and the best part-without worrying about dumb consequences like being arrested and surrendering your “real” life.”I am so f—ing pissed right now about this quiz that I f—ked up and I also like this girl who wants me to stop talking to her. If it wasn’t for this game I would be tucked up into a ball crying somewhere else in the building,” said freshman Mikey Jadisky, 18.Taking a momentary break to reload during a round of the game he added, “Games like these make me feel like a man, [you] know what I am saying? It’s like with these games you can look at the people who are always pushing you around and put a cold piece straight up in their grill and say ‘Who’s the wussy now? Mother-f–ker!- you are.’ Yeah, I guess you’re right, the Game Room is awesome.”