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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Why the Vampire Kicks Ass

Somehow it happens, and when it does you just know: you’ve found the one, and nothing else will satisfy you ever again. Everyone goes through it; everyone has a favorite monster.

I guess I’ve always been partial to the vampire. None of the other monsters ever really did it for me. Frankenstein: too blunt, no finesse. The wolfman: too hairy. The mummy: too cursed. The zombie: too silly, I just plain don’t get the attraction. No, for me it’s the vampire or nothing.

Why do I love the vampire so? Allow me to enumerate.

1. The vampire is the smartest monster. Intelligence is very important to me in a monster. Being chased around by some physical freak is all well and good, but what are you going to talk about afterwards? The vampire seems like he would have a lot to talk about; living for ever like he does, he’s probably read a lot of books. Plus, at least in most Dracula movies, the vampire is very eloquent. Most of the other monsters can barely even formulate sentences. I bet that the vampire could be a professor in a school for monsters; he sure could teach them all a thing or two, oh boy.

2. The vampire is the best-dressed monster. Lest one get the impression that, because of his superior intelligence, the vampire is some kind of monster dork, let me mention his incredible sense of style. I mean check out those duds: the tuxedo, the medallion, the swanky silk-lined opera cape. Very elegant. Okay, so that really just describes Dracula, but any one whose ever seen that Nosferatu fellow would have to admit the haute couture chic of his minimal, formfitting coat. Such a statement: it says “I’m undead, and I wear it well.” You will also notice that most modern vampires dress like rock stars (witness the hip bloodsuckers of “The Lost Boys” and “Blade”-rock on, vampires!), and everybody knows that rock stars know how to dress. The only other monster that dresses nearly as well as the vampire is the phantom of the opera; they probably go to the same tailor.

3. The most, and the best, monster movies are about vampires. This is because he is so cool. Why would anyone want to make a movie about some stupid lame-ass monster that, say, looks like a giant, hyperactive loogie? The number of shapeless blob-from-outer space movies you can count on one hand, but the vampire has been a source of artistic, not just filmic, inspiration for generations. Werner Herzog obviously decided it was much cooler to remake Nosferatu than The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and he’s like only Germany’s greatest auteur filmmaker. So there.

4. The vampire is one complicated dude. He’s very deep. No other monster seems so enmeshed in existential crisis as the vampire: dead and yet living, yearning to be human yet driven to destroy every human around him. I mean, wow, man. It’s this self-conflicted, kind of high-maintenance personality that makes the vampire such a bad date and such a great artistic subject. Plus, the vampire is like so symbolic. I mean is this guy the metaphoric manifestation of man’s sexual obsession with death or what? Well?

5. Which reminds me, the vampire is super sexy. This is a major selling point. From Bela Lugosi to Buffy, the vampire has a way of making us all go gushy inside in a way that Frankenstein would be hard pressed to do. The vampire is just such a bad boy. So troubled, so dark, so misunderstood. And those fangs! Whew, is it getting hot in this crypt? All right. Let’s move on.

6. Excuse me, but vampires are the children of the night. That’s like the coolest tagline ever. How cool would it would to walk up to some chick and say “Hey babe, my name’s Count Vlad. I’m a child of the night.” So cool.

7. Vampires are more pervasive in our culture than any of the other monsters. There are more movies, television shows, crappy novels, low-grade documentaries, and freakish cults centered on vampires than there are even about dead movie stars. Vampires are kind of like the Elvis of the monster world. Maybe we should put a vampire on a postage stamp or open a national foundation for the advancement of vampires. We might be a better country for it. But that’s just one man’s opinion.

In summation, vampires rock. They are totally so much better than any of the other monsters I can’t even believe it. If there was like a town full of monsters, then the vampire would totally be the mayor. It would be called Monster town and all the monsters would shut the hell up when the vampire talked, because the vampire would be one badass mayor. Maybe he wouldn’t even be the mayor, but some Godfather like dude who ran the town from behind the scenes. Yeah, and then that lame wolfman would be the puppet mayor who took all the heat because he’s a sucker. That would be awesome.

I can’t think of any monster that could be cooler than the vampire unless it was some sort of vampire pirate. Pirates also rock, but are not generally considered monsters. But if there were a vampire pirate, he would be totally awesome. He would be called a vampirate. Maybe he would have a little bat on his shoulder instead of a parrot, and he would have to sleep in a water-proof coffin, though I’m pretty sure vampires can swim, although I’ve never heard anything about the subject, because vampires can do pretty much everything (except like going to the beach or attending baptisms, but give ’em a break, dude, they’re undead for chrissake). Yeah, a vampire pirate would be pretty cool. But regular vampires ain’t too shabby either. After all, they’re the only monsters who can still totally kick ass even when they suck…your blood!

And with that I bid you a happy Halloween.