William “Billy” Bulger was fired this morning from his job as University of Massachusetts President, with the Board of Trustees telling him he could clear out his desk by the end of the day, and not to come back until his fugitive, gangster brother “Whitey has been found, or the world ends, whichever comes first.”
Bulger has stated that he plans to join the circus as part of his fourth life. He has previously held the position of president of the Massachusetts state senate, and that of Boston Herald columnist Howie Carr, as a Mass Mullet investigation revealed last week.
Bulger and Carr are one and the same person, according to an article in The Mass Mullet that ran last week and topped out at 5,300 words, detailing records of years of plastic surgeries, body doubles, and the whereabouts of each person for the last ten years. Carr’s office could not be reached for comment, but a Boston Herald spokesperson, in the form of a Fleet Bank ATM machine, stated that Carr was “busy at the moment chasing ragheads and unpatriotic Americans, and helping the War On TerrorTM.” Bulger spokesperson John “Hong Kong Phooey” Hoey declined to comment on the matter as well.
Bulger’s dismissal came as a startling one to many, especially those involved in negotiations with the university over the plan to radically reorganize higher education, part of which involved eliminating the UMass President’s Office.
“I just heard the news,” said state education czar Peter Nessen, sounding a little disappointed as he cancelled the order for a bulldozer to take down the President’s Office at One Beacon Street by force. “Quite frankly, I’m very surprised, since I didn’t think [UMass Board of Trustees Chairwoman] Grace Fey had the balls. I’m sorry I ever thought that. Clearly, she has very big ones. I pray for her safety from mob reprisals.”
Massachusetts Supreme High Commander Mitt Romney’s Office put out a statement, saying that, “SHC Romney is pleased, since this now frees up the several trillion Bulger’s office spends every year. The supreme high commander would also like to wish Mr. Bulger luck in his new career as a clown, and reiterate that there was nothing personal or political in his attempt to take out ‘that rat bastard’ Bulger.”
Sources within the Romney administration say, however, that Romney fractured his ankle while attempting a jig around his desk when news of Bulger’s discharge reached him. Romney was seen hobbling on a stick on the way to his Belmont castle, and still sporting a shaved head, the result of losing a bet to The Mass Mullet.