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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

On-Campus Crack Machines: Wicked Good Idea!

The governor’s proposed plan to install crack-dispensing machines on all of the state’s college campuses to raise money for budget shortfalls is a wicked good idea.

Not only is our new governor incredibly creative at finding duplication and waste in the state’s budget, but he is also really, really innovative at coming up with viable solutions to raise state revenue to reverse the state’s current budget crisis.

The Boston Herald continually praises the governor’s ingenious, crackpot idea, and The Mass Media echoes that applause. According to recent articles, the crack machines are predicted to raise $73 million in tax revenues in just the first ten months after they are installed on campuses statewide. $73 million is the kind of money you can’t shake a stick at, and it will take a big burden off of Massachusetts’s taxpayers, a big burden!

The state legislature should understand that it is its duty to protect our state school’s financial integrity and remove the destructive barriers to our university system’s success by approving the governor’s plan and de-stigmatizing the use of crack. In fact, The Mass Media feels that crack-cocaine is hardly a drug at all; everybody knows that crack is just as harmless as cigarettes and alcohol and that, like No-Doz and caffeine, crack has stimulant effects that increases students’ academic productivity by eliminating their slothful desire for sleep. In addition, The Mass Media staff knows students on campus sure could use a rock or two after a test or term paper and sometimes just after lunch!

A proposal such as this one makes us realize that the governor understands us, the students, and sees how pressures at UMass would make us want to smoke crack. We relish the idea of on-campus machines dispensing crack rocks, or as the governor proposes calling them, “Hero-at-Evening Balls,” a name taken from an art piece located on the UMass Boston campus that we swear-to-God looks like a crack rock.

The governor, however, seems to have thought about everyone. In reaction to in-state crack dealers’ frustrated cries rejecting the plan, the governor has put forth a proposal allowing crack dealers to pay Massachusetts to not install the crack machines.

We also support the governor in his negotiations with area crack dealers, whereby the state, which currently has no crack machines, would be paid to not compete with current forms of crack distribution. In-state crack dealers would presumably benefit from the guarantee of less competition, and the governor’s aides are suggesting that the state could reap as much as $54 million in the “blocking payments” to help close a huge budget gap next fiscal year.

This kind of adaptability is a clear sign that our savvy businessman-governor is gendered-male enough to challenge the traditional forms of raising state revenues with inspired real-world solutions, solutions that are obviously derived from the governor’s invaluable real-life business experience.

We at The Mass Media plan to be among those first in line with crisp dollar bills to get our Hero-at-Evening balls. Let’s make crack work for us: wicked good idea, Governor!