By Larry White

I’m always very happy to see changes to the terror alert status because it gives me a big tip-off on what the ladies will be wearing to match it. You know if the color’s yellow, the honeys will be out in their fly shiny club gear, moving to that relaxed and comfortable color and low-level threat status. When its orange, on the other hand, the young single male can expect to see more and more trippin’ safety-conscious gear, like tight rubber gloves and goggles around their cut-short, ready-to-rumble hairstyles. You know when you see a girl on Orange, she will be ready to play. And when it’s Red, my friends, take full advantage of the panic and confusion to dig on the post-apocalypse look in boots, gas masks, and tight little HAZMAT suits. Look for the action on the Red nights- a girl who thinks she might have anthrax is most likely up for anything. Don’t be left out, gentlemen, get on the tip and color-coordinate your own stroll to the terror color to let the heightened alert honeys know you got their back (and much more) in the case of an attack.

By Lil’ Milly Bluebells

I guess I just don’t get the terror alert system. Are you supposed to wear those colors when the government tells you to, or should you match the colors to your mood? Today, I woke up, and felt guarded. But I really felt more like wearing red, which is ‘severe’, than the mandatory ‘guarded’ blue. It confuses me. When it was advised to buy duct tape, I thought that it might be some kind of national “Fix Your House Week” sponsored by TLC. I didn’t join in, though, because nothing in my house was broken, and I didn’t have time. Besides, my husband usually fixes the broken stuff. But then I found out that you were supposed to put the tape around your windows. I still didn’t buy any duct tape, because that whole issue is opposite of the color scheme issue. I think duct tape only comes in one color, and it’s not pretty. I guess overall, my opinion would be that the government doesn’t have the right to tell me how to dress or decorate.

Next week- Inspections or not?

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