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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Fees, Armed Revolt and Cheese Cubes

Infuriated students on the campus of UMass Boston rose up in armed revolt upon discovering that the Board of Trustees had increased their student fees by nearly 3000% during Spring Break.

On the first day back from the mid-March vacation, word quickly spread among students that the Board of Trustees had a super secret meeting over Spring Break and decided to take the step of increasing fees an unprecedented amount in order to shrink the billion, trillion, gazillion dollar gap that is projected in next year’s budget. One trustee later said that, though the move might anger students initially, eventually they would find a new topic that will consume their frustration.

“Give it a month or so,” said the trustee, “and this issue will be placed on the back burner of the social stratum.”

Retuning students immediately voiced their displeasure upon learning about the fee increase. Several student leaders took action. One headed to the Beacon Fitness Center and then went for a jog around Harbor Point. Another took off to a local pub for a couple of pints. “I know it was a little early [to start drinking], but, damn it, I was pissed off.”

The collective anger of students turned to rage when one student said, “Yeah, and I heard the [trustees] will be meeting again real soon.” When later asked what the discussion would be about, he responded, “I’m not sure.”

Several scores of students congregated on the Plaza outside the Quinn Administration building to protest. However, many did little more than mill about, while others were arguing over what protest slogan to shout. For one student, Rev O’Lusion, it was time for more dramatic action. After seeing a game of hackey sack break out, he shouted, “Enough of this lame-ass protest. Everyone follow me.”

The crowd disappeared into the upper level of the garage. Minutes later, students armed with M-16s emerged from several locations. Bands of ten students were dispatched to various buildings in order to, as one student put it, “secure key positions.”

Things might have gone badly for the authorities if it weren’t for one student (who, The Mass Mullet has been told, will be dealt with in due time). Judas, 45-year-old English major and 25-year student at UMass Boston, was among the students that were protesting outside the Quinn building. Knowing of O’Lusion’s designs, he proceeded to the third floor of the Quinn building to inform the Chancellor’s office. Judas wanted to be interviewed for this article, but The Mass Mullet told him to go to hell.

A quick phone call to Sodexho from the Chancellor ensured that the revolt would end without bloodshed. The Chancellor ordered Sodexho to put out free food in the newly renovated Ryan Lounge. Although some individuals in her office wanted Campus Police, Boston Police, and State Police to handle the matter, she insisted that her plan would work. “I know what I’m doing,” she said.

Sodexho quickly went into action, laying out several hot plates, cheese platters, and assorted pastries. Word of the free food quickly spread, and many students, armed and unarmed, (as well as many staff, faculty, and a gaggle of Canadian geese) headed to the Ryan Lounge. O’Lusion tried to convince his comrades that it was a trick, but not a single student heeded him.

The Ryan Lounge filled up in a short time. Since holding a M-16 while trying to fill one’s plate is difficult task, the armed students laid their weapons aside. Administration officials quietly gathered the discarded weapons and placed them in a locked room.

No charges will be filed against any student that “surrendered” his/her weapon. O’Lusion will be deported out of the country by the INS, even though he was born and raised in Braintree, Massachusetts. Left over food was taken home by several Sodexho workers.