Tuesday, February 1810:20am- A false fire alarm sounded in the Clark Center. The fire department determined that the problem was mechanical in nature, as the building has a mind of its own.

Wednesday, February 193:01pm- A party reported receiving a harassing phone call in the Healey Building. No word on if the call was enjoyed.

10:26pm- On University Drive West, a driver hit a pylon, causing their car to get a flat tire.

Thursday, February 203:38pm-The fire alarm was pulled in Healey. This act was criminal, not magical.

4:52pm- On University Drive South, a driver hit the curb by the information booth and claimed the incident occurred because of the snow, instead of their inability to drive.

5:52pm- Campus police were called to investigate a suspicious person in the Wheatley Building. The suspect was revealed to be a student, a fairly common presence on a college campus.

6:37pm-An individual reported their car stolen from the Healey garage, then realized they had simply forgotten where the car was parked. The would-be victim was permitted to drive away, despite crippling stupidity.

8:09pm-A fire was set in a McCormack men’s room.

8:55pm-A fire was set in a men’s room in the Science Center, reminding the community of the need for a pyromaniacs anonymous support group.

Friday, February 2111:50am-A harassing phone call was received in the Administration Building.

4:42pm-Someone called 911 from the Clark Center and hung up, most likely because they realized the location of their supposedly stolen property.

Monday, February 2412:48pm-A suspicious vehicle was reported in the McCormack Building garage. Campus police investigated, and found the suspicious vehicle was occupied by a student waiting for their next class.

5:45pm-An actual larceny occurred in the Healey Building.

Tuesday, February 2512:16am-In a disturbing trend, theft was reported in the McCormack Building.

9:43am-A student threw a tantrum in the Administration Building over the reduction of their grant. Campus police arrived and calmed the student down by offering various stickers and candy.

11:17am-Alarms accidentally went off on University Drive North.

11:31am-Theft was reported to have occurred on the Plaza. This report is likely true because it is difficult to forget where you put something on the Plaza.

11:31am-A party reported theft from the Healey Building. It is entirely possible the item was misplaced in a bookcase.

9:53pm-A suspicious person was reported to be acting strangely in the McCormack Building. The individual was locked out of the building and charged with trespassing, proving once and for all that strangeness is intolerable.

Wednesday, February 268:40am-Property was stolen and then recovered at the Plaza. Recovery was easy, as the thief was not a morning person.

2:30pm-A false fire alarm sounded in Wheatley Hall. This incident was due to magical mechanical malfunctions.

6:36pm-A domestic disturbance occurred in the Administration Building. Campus police arrested a man for assault and battery after he publicly abused his girlfriend.

Thursday, February 2712:06pm-An individual in the Science Building complained of a severe toothache. As the Tooth Fairy is forbidden from entering a building of science, medical assistance was required.

1:08pm-A party reported theft from the Healey building.

4:42pm-Stolen property was recovered from the McCormack building, thanks in no small part to the heroic efforts of the Tooth Fairy. 5:56pm-A student reported that their car was damaged in the Science Center garage while they were in class, yet another valid excuse to refrain from attending class.

Friday, February 284:47pm-A person called from the lab of the Healey Building to report a suspicious person. The individual actually had no right to be on campus, and was subsequently escorted off campus and issued a trespass warning.

5:50pm-Something was stolen from the Administration Building. The item will be considered stolen until proven lost.

9:01pm-An individual reported their car being vandalized in the Wheatley Hall garage. When campus police went to view the damage, the would-be victim realized the car in question was not their car.

Saturday, March 111:55pm-A fire alarm sounded in the service building. The alarm was not magical in nature, it was criminal because someone pulled the alarm, knowing full well there was not a fire in progress.

Sunday, March 22:12pm-A call was received from the Administration Building to report a group of miscreants behaving suspiciously in the gym. The rascals had called for a ride home and were waiting at the bus stop, apparently unaware that the bus comes periodically, regardless of phone calls.

2:31pm-There was a disturbance at the bus stop on University Drive West. The bus driver was refused to tolerate the shenanigans of local juvenile delinquents aboard the bus. The hoodlums were ordered off the bus, and forced to walk.