Sodexo Food Services, provider of the vittles in the cafeterias here at UMass Boston, is actually a top secret organization called Special Operations Division on Espionage and Xtraordinary Hazards Operatives (S.O.D.E.X.H.O.), a Mass Mullet investigation revealed.

With bases in France, the Netherlands, and elsewhere around the world, SODEXHO seeks to protect nations from, as its charter states, “espionage and extraordinary hazards.”

UMass Boston’s SODEXHO base is hidden deep under the garage and parking lots. The garage is kept in such shoddy condition to deter people from investigating and getting a closer look at their operations. The head of SODEXHO is unknown, although its hundreds of operatives are chefs and cashiers when they aren’t saving the Harbor Campus. They answer to the chief officer, who in turn answers to Chancellor Jo Ann Gora, who is often referred to as just “G.”

One of the more interesting case files from the SODEXHO “Adventure Archives” is a 1994 incident, known as “The Million Nixons Affair.” In the middle of April, shortly before former president Richard Nixon’s death, thousands, if not millions, of Nixon clones reportedly overran the campus and the JFK Library, madly jabbering, “Kill, kill, kill the Constitution.”

UMass students were deputized by SODEXHO, handed guns and cudgels, and told to “go for it.” Shortly after the massacre, all minds were wiped of the event and the existence of SODEXHO, which is standard SODEXHO procedure. In fact, at the time of this writing, agents are banging on the doors of The Mass Mullet, having learned of the article from bugs placed in The Mass Mullet offices.

Students remain unfazed by the revelation of a top secret world saving society on campus.

“Well, at least that explains why the food sucks so bad,” said Tori Andres. “They’re too busy saving the world to make it right.”