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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

News Briefs

Savior Detained as “Terrorist”

Jesus H. Christ is currently being detained at the Texas border by INS agents who claim Christ “fits the description of a known terrorist.”

Christ, the savior of humankind, returned to Earth from Heaven after the military stage of the campaign to disarm Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein began last week. According to Christ’s spokesperson, Minister Al Sharpton, Christ was traveling to the United States to “save humanity from the conflict between the evil Bush administration and wicked Hussein regime.”

Christ was stopped at the border because according to INS officials, “Mr. Christ is from the Middle East.”

Sharpton, has filed a civil suit in Texas courts claiming that the INS is “racist” and “is making a menacing attempt to undermine [Sharpton’s] campaign for the Democratic nomination in the 2004 presidential elections.”

The White House has yet to comment on the issue, but the Christian Coalition has released a public statement condemning Christ’s return as part of an “international Papal conspiracy.”

Senate Elections Become the Talk of Campus

The campaigning season for the Undergraduate Student Senate elections kicked off with an outdoor rally of 5,200 for Russian Alex, a candidate from the College of Arts. Despite the huge turnout, Alex is still behind in the polls, which include the incumbent, What’s His Face. This election is predicted to have one of the highest turnouts in recent history, overshadowing last year’s election when an incredible 500 votes were cast. The Mass Mullet will be on the campaign trail to catch all the excitement.

Swimming Pool Discovered On 7th Floor of Wheatley

A swimming pool was discovered in the Wheatley Building after two students decided to go up to the 7th floor. The two students, coordinators of the UMB Cannibus Center, arrived to their office over spring break to find water leaking from the ceiling.

One of the students, Mike Rhys, stated “We were investigating the leak, when a peacock holding a snake in its mouth told us to check the 7th floor.”

Rhys and the other student, Otto, allege the peacock lead them right to the swimming pool. The UMB administration denies the existence of the swimming pool or even of having previous knowledge of the peacock.

Mass Corporations Donate Profits to Plug Budget Crisis

A few Massachusetts corporations gave all their profits to save public sector jobs and prevent cuts in public education and healthcare.

Raytheon, which produces military ammunitions for the U.S. and various dictatorial regimes in the Global South, gave $750 million, or all its entire 2002 earnings. CEO of Raytheon, Satan Fuckhead, stated, “Today, Raytheon no longer produces weapons of mass destruction solely for profit.”

The biggest donor was Fidelity Investments, which gave its entire 2002 earnings, $1.5 billion. Together the donations were enough to stop the closing of 5 Boston Public Schools, and countless health clinics around the state. Governor Romney said the donations were enough to keep his immaculate haircut “sustained through 2008.”