Monday, March 105:09pm-A party reported the startling disappearance of Dorchester Bay. Campus police arrived, only to find the party was walking on the wrong side of campus. Tuesday, March 1111:27am-Campus police responded to reports of violence on the plaza. They arrived to find students beating Mitt Romney and laughed.

Wednesday, March 12High Noon-Chaos reigns in the Science Building as little white lab mice stage violent coup.

12:07pm-Coup abruptly ends as lab mice free lab cats, who promptly eat lab mice. Beware of well-fed, but potentially radioactive cats on campus. Some may possess superpowers.

Thursday, March 134:09am-Mad scientist arrested for subjecting students to scooping radioactive cat feces. It is assumed that he was going to attempt to fling the poop at an unknown rival in an attempt to rule the world.

3:56pm-Mad scientist released when it is discovered that the planned target of the poop flinging was The Mass Mullet employee and Acting Arts Editor Mimi Yeh, who he claims does not cover enough Science Fairs.

Friday, March 148:17pm-Mistaking it to be Friday the13th, student rampages around campus beating black cats and knocking over ladders. He is eventually apprehended and promptly beaten to death by PETA members.

Saturday, March 15All day and night-No alarms go off, for any reason, in any of the buildings.

Sunday, March 16All day and night-Students realize it’s a cruel, harsh world and finally start paying attention to their own stuff. No larcenies occur.