84°
UMass Boston's independent, student-run newspaper

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Administration Flees, Hollywood Comes To The Rescue

Administration Flees, Hollywood Comes To The Rescue

With the firing of UMass President William Bulger, UMass Boston Chancellor Jo Ann Gora joining the Marines to fight in Iraq, and a looming fiscal crisis, UMB administration officials are taking the opportunity to run like “gigantic, bloated rats jumping from an already crispy ship.”

“Screw this,” Vice Chancellor David MacKenzie was heard to have said before boarding a flight to Cuba at Logan Airport. “I’ve had just about enough of this over-sized Habitrail. Havana, here I come.”

Stephan Chait, associate vice chancellor and project manager for the Campus Center, however, has remained on campus, seizing the Campus Center for his own purposes and dubbing it “Castle Chait.” New plans include making a moat to surround the building, a drawbridge, and an execution chamber for student journalists and senators. Chait also plans to remake the Campus Center/Castle Chait into the same style as the surrounding Wheatley, McCormack, and Science Buildings, that of a “fortress” look; plans that include positions for snipers to take in the event of another student uprising.

Vice Chancellor for Community Relations and Communications Anne Marie Lewis Kerwin disappeared Monday morning, but not before downloading her consciousness onto UMass computers. The consciousness has taken full control of UMass data systems, online and off. Steel tentacles have periodically shot out of the online kiosks in the Quinn Building, wrapped themselves around an unsuspecting student, and shaken them until all their money and valuables have fallen out. The items are then promptly sucked up and passed on to the Bursar’s Office.

Many other administration officials remain missing and unaccounted for, while some have been located in the south of France, sipping on pastis.

Meanwhile, in the interim, Hollywood has decided to kindly step in and fill the giant shoes the administration left behind, with a little help from the William Morris Agency.

Actor George Clooney has offered to take on the job of chancellor of UMass Boston, filling in for Gora while she battles Saddam Hussein on the plains of the Middle East. “I’ve known Jo Ann since her Old Dominion days,” he said. “I’m happy to fill in for her while she’s fighting the War Against Terror and as I’m waiting for a new project to get underway.

That project is undoubtedly “Ocean’s Twelve,” the sequel to the stylish 2001 smash hit “Ocean’s Eleven.” Clooney has even invited his fellow co-stars to join him in the now deserted offices of the Quinn Administration Building.

Brad Pitt has accepted the position of Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs, promising to give “a whole new definition to the title.” Enrollment skyrocketed as word spread of Pitt’s appointment, and continues to go up and up as rumours of Boston native Matt Damon taking the position of vice chancellor of Enrollment Management circulate.

Carl Reiner, creator/producer/writer of “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” has been appointed vice chancellor of Administration and Finance. “I’m having the time of my life,” he said, adding, “It’s also given me all sorts of great ideas for a new show: “Dick Van Dyke Goes Back To College.” UMass Boston is the perfect setting for it. I’m planning on calling up Dick and seeing if I can’t get him off that damned doctor show, ‘Diagnosis Murder.'”

Julia Roberts, well-known for her roles in “Hook” and “Mystic Pizza,” is set to take over as vice chancellor for Communications and Community relations, with plans to turn the University Reporter into a glossy weekly with centerfolds of her in dangerously tight slacks and skirts. This reporter vigorously approves of Ms. Roberts’ efforts to reach out to students, and promises to stop the harassing phone calls.