Dear Hometown Crank,

I’ll cut right to the chase.My question is a simple, but painful one.I’m really worked up over this, really frustrated.

My roommate has a hot friend, and a while back, I noticed a spark between us.One night when she was visiting, after my roommate went to bed, we hooked up.She is so hot.I think she’s still interested in me.Whenever she comes over to see my roommate, she always flirts with me, and touches my arm and stuff, but then she goes into my roommate’s room to sleep.What do I do?

Sincerely,

Blue In The Back Bay

———-

Dear Blue,

Since your letter is so touching, so poignant, so heart wrenching, I will get right to the nitty-gritty.I will not waste a lot of time, gilding the lily, or beating around the bush, nor will I hem, haw, or shuffle my proverbial feet.I will try to get straight to the heart of the matter, cutting to the quick in a fell stroke [Note:cutting to the chase is not saying that you will cut to the chase, it’s doing it. (E.G.:I diddled my roommate’s friend.I’d like to do it again)].

Blue, you are quite a weehunt. You say you got some leg.Are you in love?It doesn’t sound like it.It sounds like you already got what you wanted, and are pouting about not getting it on tap.

It’s simple, ask for it.