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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Hometown Crank

Dear Hometown Crank,

I have a crush on my professor. He is so smart, and he’s not bad looking either. Sometimes he looks at me over the top of his glasses, and I get all melty, and I think I’ll explode right there in my seat. I think he knows, and he might be interested too.

Should I do something? If so, how do I let him know how I feel?

Sincerely,Hot For Teacher


Dear Hot,

I truly empathize with you. In fact, the Crank has had more than one crush on a professor himself, and to sweeten the pot, once had a week’s worth of strange and wonderful dreams, in which he arrived at a gymnasium filled with fellow students, and suddenly found himself at the mercy of one pretty educator, tickling him, while he wore nothing but his boxers. But that was a long time ago.

Anyway Hot, imagine that you start some kind of lopsided romance with this fellow. You sleep together, and hold hands in a nice coffee shop, which together you designate your “special place.” This is assuming that he is not married, or otherwise attached because I’m certain that you’re not that kind of person. Now imagine that one of his coworkers, or a group of classmates chances into your special place, looking for caramel macchiatos and hot gossip. You don’t see them in time to unclasp your hands and wipe the look off of your face that says, “This is so great, like sleeping with my favorite uncle, but legal.”

Word gets out. He gets fired. You are given a big red “A” iron-on for your book bag. Sound like fun?

I’ll tell you what I did. I did my level best to impress my hot professors by proving them wrong at every possible opportunity. Start finding holes in your professor’s lectures, and point them out in a genial, clearly worded way. It’ll be like intellectual intercourse.

A fellow UMB student writes the Hometown Crank “advice” column for the purpose of people’s enjoyment. Views expressed here do not reflect the views or opinions of The Mass Media. To write to the Hometown Crank for “advice” send an email to [email protected]