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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Kingpin – 3/25/04

Feeling like the lonely unicorn on Noah’s Ark? When you need advice, ask the Kingpin. Send your questions to [email protected]


Dear Kingpin,

After a very long relationship has ended and I have dated for many years, I still don’t know what I want. I guess I’m just bored with the relationships I have, but I don’t know what I find interesting or sexy anymore. How can I solve this problem?

Mod Boy


Dear Mod Boy,

I don’t envy your situation. A problem always seems bigger if you can’t name it, and that sounds like the case in your situation. The best way to get to the heart of the matter in a case like you’ve described is to make a list.

I recommend that you take an evening just for yourself and make a big to-do about the whole affair. Start out your night alone with a hot sea salt bath. Turn off the lights in the bathroom and light candles to give your environment that relaxing, romantic atmosphere. Spend as much or as little time in the bathroom as you feel is necessary. This is both your sanctuary and your staging area. It allows you to completely relax and get away from the hassles of your day-to-day life, but it also prepares your mind for the tasks it is about to perform.

When you are sufficiently relaxed, get out of the tub, dry off, and put on something comfortable. Take one of the candles with you into your bedroom and sit down at your desk or wherever it is that you do your writing (not typing-this is a personal process, so you need to engage your body in it. A computer keyboard doesn’t count as writing!). You are going to write a letter about your current situation. Address it to anyone you want (your friend, a member of your family who understands you, or even God if you desire). Tell your chosen correspondent what is going on in your life that has prompted you to write him or her this letter. Tell him or her how you feel about the situation and why you are confused.

When the letter is finished, take a break. Go out for a run, do yoga, lift weights, do something physical for at least an hour. Come back and sit down to write another letter to the same person, but this time write your ideal situation as if it has already happened to you. Be very specific. What does your newfound mate look like? How does s/he interact with you? How do you feel about the budding relationship?

Put both letters away for the evening and go to bed. Let your subconscious do the hard work for you. As you sleep, your mind will start working things out in ways that you would never have thought possible.

The next day, take a second look at both of your letters. Compare and contrast them. What do they say to you? Is there something that emerged from the words on the page that tell you why you are single? If not, put them away for a couple of days and try again; maybe you just aren’t ready to confront this circumstance yet. Don’t force the issue. You’ve done the hard work of sorting things out, leave it alone and let it marinate in your subconscious for a little while. Eventually, something will surface, and when it does, you will be ready to notice it.

Take some time to focus on you. Go out with friends. See a movie. Go to a museum. Do anything that makes you happy, and trust that the situation will resolve itself in the best possible way at the best possible time for you.