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A Modest Proposal

From: Adam RossiCAS 2005585 97 3500

A Modest Proposal For Our Times By Adam Rossi(Meant without apology to the late Mr. Jonathan Swift).

Dear Sirs,

And it is to the gentlemen of the world to whom I address this missive.

As our esteemed President will no doubt agree, and as the Bible and our founding fathers (all men) have attested, it is men to whom humanity (huMANity) must look for guidance and right conduct in matters both moral, religious and other.

The reasons for this should be plain enough, though for some, such as myself, the opinion of such like our President, and as well, the likes of such as George Washington and the LORD God HIMself should be enough to supply us with the right opinion on the matter, aforementioned. However, other reasons there are, and they are: that man with his steely intellect and ability to rule the passions (as well as his greater cranial capacity) and such and so on are additional good reasons needed to establish his, that is man?s natural authority?although again, why such additional reasons should be thought necessary to those supplied by God HIMself, I know not.

As man finds himself, as he has from time immemorial, (for reasons already mentioned and for others too numerous to mention, but the Bible would be a good one) the ruler and governor of all things terrestrial, both the crawling things on the earth and those things under it and those things that swim in the waters and those things that fly in the air and the even smaller things that are very small indeed which cannot be seen but which science, though often fallible in matters pertaining to such as the age of the world and the time of the great flood and so on, says that there are in fact such very small things we just can?t see them because they are very small indeed. Nonetheless, we can agree, as it says also in Bible that man, endowed with certain faculties conspicuously absent in the female of our splendid species was meant therefore, by our creator, to rule all those things, even the very small things indeed, in accordance with nature in a way befitting to God, (our creator, as well as of all the other things). This also includes, as mentioned, ruling over the fairer s_x of our wonderful species.

As a recent case reported in the media makes only too clear, it has been made abundantly obvious to me, a man, that men have not taken their responsibilities as seriously as they were wont in times of old, say the 1950s. This era, like the time of Moses depicted in the Bible and in a very good movie made some time ago, the 1950s were a time most like that to which God meant for his children (who we all are) to act and comport themselves. In these two great eras of huMAN civilization everyone went to Church. Everyone watched ?I love Lucy? (until the time of her marriage when it became acceptable to watch whatever was on the other channel instead). Every man worked, and any man who didn?t was a socialist or a communist or a combination thereof, or an anarchist or an ?ist? of some other description. (Verily, how the devil?s spawn has multiplied. How many ?isms? are there now that do beset and plague us?)

I, therefore, do call upon MAN to uphold his responsibilities which I also hold are self-evident, but nonetheless I shall write them out as if they were not and were in need of a great deal of spelling out?for it seems that they have been forgot! (that is, by some men).

The case of which I spoke involves a ?woman?, a supposed member of the fairer s_x who recently was arrested and charged, yes charged, charged with murder because she preferred to suffer the death of her unborn child rather than suffer a caesarean section instead. CHARGED! Yes I hear your outrage, oh brethren! Why was she not dragged out of her bed and whipped to an inch of her life before being crucified for the vile murderer that she is? Yes she was charged and will face a TRIAL! Do we find ourselves confined to AN INSANE ASYLUM? ARE WE NOT MAD? This ?woman? will be tried at loyal TAX payers expense by a JURY! If the Soviets were still in existence (which they blessedly are not anymore) they would indeed be laughing with much glee at our expense.

Where was our mistake? My friends, surely not on the operation table? Surely, as this case so aptly demonstrates, we must look to conception, if not beyond for its causes and remedy. Should this ?woman? have been allowed to conceive at all?this is, of course, a rhetorical question that I answer with a resounding NO!?

My modest proposal is this: that the governance of a uterus (please excuse the frankness and the vulgarity of my language, but oh the times call for it, they surely do) should be in the hands of those most capable of ensuring its responsible use, I refer of course, to MEN.

How are men to govern the uteruses of the fairer s_x? In the following way.

LICENSING. It would be but a small thing to arrange. And not overly burdensome to an already overburdened taxpayer (maybe social security could be sacrificed in its stead) to license every female uterus (of child bearing capacity). At the appropriate time the uterus will report for licensing. A written examination will be administered the passing of which will then allow the state to register the said uterus as a ?class one uterus? (or using some such nomenclature) generously bestowing on its ?owner? the full privileges allowed by a generous and compassionate committee made up of the very best sorts of men that our country is capable of producing. Only then can it be fully productive and I may say a truly American uterus.

Uteruses will have to renew their status and be subject to periodic examinations over the course of a lifetime. These written exams should consist of such things as are ABSOLUTELY necessary to know for the continuance of the species. Such as: how to bake cookies. How to balance household accounts, how to program video machines, how to decipher microwave instructions and the like.

Failing these exams would of course result in a uterus as being deemed unf