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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Eeky Geeky: Weekly Peeky at the Freaky – 4/1/04

Tardy reflections of a spurious and mean-spirited nature in this week’s EGWPATF, dear readers, and, more exciting, another harbinger of the future that proves once and for all that only those of us prescient enough to learn the vital survival lessons of Japanese popular culture will survive. Mwahahah!

Tardy reflections: Ah, Spring Break. The time for slobbering morons to flock to the beaches and plastic cabanas of the tropical Americas and rut, slippery with coconut oil and slack lipped with sugared ethanol potions.

It truly is a magical time, for spring breaks (and winter breaks) are the golden days for geeks, when the violent, idiotic herd, with the males’ frayed canvas duckbills bobbing and the females’ foundation-encrusted faces, vacant of movement or expression except for the slow chewing of the gum, travels south. For us, our days are filled with peace and calm, the light of monitors full in our faces and we devote an entire precious week to computer projects.

All of those geeks, that is, not already living the high life: a certain chosen few who possess the esoteric arts of digital video and turn-key porn sites. These geeks, a new breed entirely, (preda-geeks) used their natural gifts of copious quantities of cocaine, Everclear, and twenty dollar bills to bang slutty co-eds on camera and start porn empires. They are the mighty, the feared, and the only geeks who enjoy spring break among the common folk, as well they might.

This geek spent his break blissfully re-learning the 2 Great Commandments of HTML and far, far away from cocaine, slutty co-eds, or twenty dollar bills, much to his chagrin. The Mighty Commandments are these: Thou shalt have no other WYSIWYG before Dreamweaver. Thou shalt not attempt bareback editing without sharpening ye sequential logic skills. Know, them, fear them, and your tables shall be ever coherent.

Drunken sluts aside, the great grand news of the day (drunken sluts are almost always great grand news) is GIANT ROBOTS.

That’s right, puny human. GIANT ROBOTS are here. And, of course, they are from Japan. Tmsuk of Kitakyusho has unveiled the T-52 Enryu, Hyper Rescue Robot. With two arms capable of lifting 500kg apiece, it can rip the door off a car with ease, and chuck steel girders about. It is operated by remote control with a pilot using, yes, a biofeedback armature that allows Enryu to exactly mimic the pilot’s movements. It is on treads, but we all know that legs and feet with chicken knees are not far behind.

The general idea is that Enryu will be used to rescue people trapped under rubble or go into places too dangerous for humans, but we know better, don’t we. If, like me, you’ve watched anime since the dawn of time, then you know what’s coming next. Legs. Feet. A head. Missile launchers. GIANT ROBOTS. Technology has finally caught up with art and we are all soon to be nuked into a global wasteland by alien flying ships that look like cockroaches.

And when that day comes, oh my fellows, we will be ready, for we have watched every “Robotech” ever made, memorized every control lever in both the lion and the vehicle Voltrons, we could have built Mazinger-Z from the ground up, we were bored to death by “Gundam” and shamefully excited by Appleseed. The world is ours.

This transformation will have to go through stages. First comes the Enryu Hyper Rescue Robot stage. We will thrill to Enryu pulling lovely waifs out of the wreckage (only the top half, but Enryu is sorry).

Then we’ll have a prolonged Tank Police stage, followed by the Appleseed days, and at long last, someone will figure out how to make a bipedal upright that weighs 200 tons fly with jets, and the glorious days of GIANT ROBOTS will be ours.

Next week: AMD’s new chip really can make you a peanut butter sandwich, and, Microsoft sucks. Or Something.

About the Contributor
Carl Brooks served as news editor for The Mass Media the following years: 2003-2004