John Ashcroft has resigned from the position of Attorney General of the United States of America. If you ever see him in person, you are now free to kick, hit, and throw things at him without immediate retribution from the Secret Service.

For everyone who has been hiding in a bunker since September 11 and has just emerged after running out of beer and cheetos, John Ashcroft has been responsible, in either part or whole, for such attacks on the Bill of Rights and the American people as the U.S. Patriot Act and the song “Let the Eagle Soar” (No, seriously, have you heard this guy sing? It should be illegal).

Ashcroft is the (badly) singing son of a minister. He doesn’t drink, dance, or smoke, holds “optional” prayer meetings before work each day, and is way out of touch with today’s youth.

His appointment to the position of Attorney General came in 2001 after a historic Senate race in Missouri in which he was the first person to lose to a dead guy. The Bush administration should have taken that as an omen and kept Janet Reno (she would have taken down the terrorists herself in hand-to-hand combat). Before he was appointed, Ashcroft was a relatively politically obscure guy, serving as governor of Missouri and then as a senator. It is stated on the Department of Justice website that as a senator he worked to strengthen penalties for gun crimes and helped reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. I have never heard any of this stated anywhere else and what exactly do they mean by reauthorization?

During his tenure he has facilitated massive civil liberties and civil rights violations with the Patriot Act and helped created that slice of paradise that is Guantanamo Bay. The man most likely to replace Ashcroft is Alberto Gonzales, a confident of Bush and a potential candidate for the Supreme Court. Gonzales is reported to be the most prominent Hispanic in the Bush administration. From what I’ve seen he’s the only Hispanic in the Bush administration. Let’s just hope that he can, and will, repair some of the damage that Ashcroft has done. Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York and one time public defender, is also a candidate for Attorney General.

Now that I’ve given you the good news, here’s the bad: Secretary of State Colin Powell has turned in a letter of resignation to Bush. That sucking sound you just heard was all the joy and enthusiasm being pulled out of the room. Colin Powell has long been one of the few voices of reason in the Bush administration. Having served in three presidential administrations, Powell has years of experience and is also a four star general with two honorary knighthoods. Condoleezza Rice has been named as a possible replacement.

One of the worst and one of the best has left the administration. All we can do now is hope and, for the religious, pray.