I like the zoo. You get to see all kinds of fun animals. My favorite animal at the zoo is, by far, the monkey. Believed by that crazy Darwin character to be our ancestors, the monkeys are one of the smarter animals cooped up in there.

It just so happened that I got to see two of my favorite animals on TV last week. They were hilarious as they simultaneously threw their own feces at each other. Silly monkeys. But wait! This isn’t the Discovery Channel! This is CBS, and shouldn’t Brent Bozel and his FCC lackeys prevent such indecency on prime time television?

But wait a minute, what’s this? Presidential debates? Nah, it can’t be…. but you’re right, that is our esteemed president and a United States senator. How could I mistake the presidential debates with two monkeys at the zoo? Oh yeah, ’cause all they did was throw crap at each other. Man, that was a proud night for America.

All right, so I think they looked like apes. But who won? After all, isn’t that the entire point? To help people decide which candidate most deserves their vote? Well, after all the smearing and slinging, all I came away with is this: they’re both still schmucks.

If you like George W. Bush, then Bush won. If you support John F. Kerry, then he made some excellent points. If you don’t like either of them, then welcome back to the Discovery Channel and Johnny and Georgie, our cute little primates.

I know it’s a little harsh, but really, those debates were ridiculous. In a war of the catch phrases, it’s been all about don’t forget America with John Kerry, who said “Help is on the way”. And, my God, can George utter “hard work” one more time, ’cause repeating things over and over again makes you sound really smart.

I believe I even heard a reference to someone’s website. That must be a presidential debate first. “My opponent has the IQ of a rock but to learn more about me go to JohnKerry.com.” I thought the Internet was reserved for pop-ups and Ebay. Then here it appears in a presidential debate.

And so it went back and forth, as the volley of intellectual bickering got fast and furious. Oh wait, did I say fast and furious? I meant repetitive and boring. I stayed up to watch that crap in order to help decide who gets my vote in November, and guess what I’ve learned? Nothing. They’re both morons. One has no clear agenda, and the other’s clear agenda is off-point with most of the American people.

Next up, the vice presidential debates, and then a couple more debates with the president and Mr. Kerry. Super. When those debates air, I’ll be sure to get my popcorn and soda ready, and sit down to enjoy the show. Which channel will I watch? I’m opting for the Discovery Channel. ‘Cause their monkeys don’t talk.

Jay Upton is a Mass Media columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].