Welcome to Heaven’s Kitchen, I’m your host… and cook… and one-man show, Godon Collins. Some of you donuts call me Nick, but Godon rolls off the tongue better. After all, I’m an expert on the anatomy of the tongue, and knowing that, there’s no denying that my taste in the culinary arts is vastly superior to others. That being said, I’ve decided to become a good noodle for the time being and take a page out of Ol’ Saint Nick’s book. In honor of the holiday season, I’m giving you some cutting-edge recipes to add to your cooking repertoire in order to perfect the perishables you’ll be shoving down your gullet—for FREE.
For starters, every dish is usually complemented by a savory appetizer, something easy. Something that makes you think to yourself, “I’m popping.” But for me, I like to go against the grain and rely on the help of grains.
I’ve realized in my time going from rags to riches as a promising young chef in the food capital of the world, London, to becoming a world-renowned chef with his own Fubo original, you can skip over the overpriced garnishes with one simple substitute: alcohol. After all, it’s common knowledge that booze oozes the flavor of food into your tastebuds, but let me tell ya, it’s a much better feeling when it oozes into your bloodstream, too.
The best part about liquid gold is, the more, the merrier! Ethanol’s good, but if you’re gonna coward out of having a good time with your new-found pastime, stick to Everclear. The greater the liquid confidence, the greater the liquid competence. So pop the cap, and start your culinary journey popping right!
Now that I’ve guzzled some sense into you, it’s time to prepare your meal. Today, I’m gonna teach you one of my favorites, a rising cult classic in the restaurant industry: salad. Now, I know that salad seems like it’s easy to make, but it’s pretty complex when you get down to the nitty-gritty of it.
I could give you some pointers in preparing a five-course meal of some sort, but that’s for only my closest companions. The only way to get that close to me is to buy my cookbook, “Cooking with Collins: a Godsend of Recipes,” for the ripe price of $199.95 on Amazon—on sale for $194.99 this holiday season. If you’re mad about the price, so be it. It’s not my fault you don’t have 200 bucks to muster up for a long-term investment. Be grateful I’m giving you insight on how to make a salad, you donkey.
To start, you gotta make sure your dishes are clean. If you’re using a glass dish, use glass cleaner. Don’t have glass cleaner? That’s what Lysol’s for! Hell, Lysol may be the better option if you’re afraid of pesticides in your vegetables. Be more mindful and don’t waste your water washing them—pesticides are a myth anyway. If you’re gonna be a stickler about “food safety,” take it up with the FDA, not me. Do animals have a problem eating plants? No? Okay then, go back to your primal instincts and stop mulling over minute bulls—, and no, you won’t find traces of bulls— in your veggies either. Grow up.
The same goes for meat in your salad. It’s best to stick to vegetables, but if you’re gonna go down that route, just know that you don’t need to cook it. Like I said before, go back to your primal instincts. You can’t spell natural selection without salmonella—well you can, but with the leftover letters of “M” and “L,” that’s mother nature telling you you’re a milquetoast loser. If you wanna be a smarta— and flip the letters around, the message is still loud and clear: learn to mettle. But hey, if you’re gonna be picky and steam your food for “precautionary measures,” feed two birds with one seed because you can expedite the process when you steam your dressing.
Yes, you heard that right. Steaming your dressing has been proven to enhance the flavor, and with some alcohol in your system, it’s gonna be pure ecstasy. Before you do anything though, it’s important to cut your vegetables before putting them on the stove. You gotta cook with love, and there’s a perfect drug to do so. No, not ecstasy, you aristocrat. Salvia! It’s a plant you dummy, it fits right into your dish! Plus, in order to cook the food to perfection, you gotta be the food!
The out-of-body experience is second to none in helping you get into the mindset of cooking like a pro, so get the steam going and hotbox your kitchen. If you keep turning into the knife, that’s a sign you’ve failed and have to take more. You can’t further the process until you live the life of the food you’re making, that way you know what you’re getting yourself into. Once you become one with the food you can start steaming, and that is where the fun begins.
Now, I ask that you at least use my secret dressing: steamed mustard. It may not sound very appetizing—because who the f— likes mustard—but steamed mustard is in an entirely different realm of condiments. Honey mustard doesn’t work either, this is a salad, not an arrangement of vegetables that you halfa—ed during your lunch break. That being said, consider this dressing like a seasoning and mix it with your veggies on the stovetop. All you gotta do is combine some ammonia and bleach and voila! Now, you’re cooking like a champ and damn near close to finishing your work of art.
Once you take your veggies out, mix them with your lettuce and you’re almost done! Nothing beats a nice salad when you have a glass of milk in one hand, and a mason jar of red paint in the other. It’s important to note that in the culinary world, paint is the jack of all trades, and red paint is the holy grail—not blue, yellow, black or maroon. 99.1 percent pure red paint is the only acceptable variation. Benjamin Moore is the way to go, after all, he was the pioneer of paint consumption, not that foreign Velspar BS.
The best part about paint is that you can consume it however you want! You wanna mix it with your milk like Ovaltine? Go for it! You want to drop some paint chunks onto your salad like it’s parmesan? Even better! And, if you have any excess in your mason jar, drizzle that s— right on there!
When all is said and done, congratulations! You’ve completed your masterpiece and etched this occasion into the history books as the day of your culinary triumph. Now that your ego can’t be broken, it’s time to post to social media for the world to see. Be sure to oversaturate your photos to the highest degree, the contrast between your steamed greens and red paint will make everyone salivate over your creation and will sprinkle some envy into how they’re incapable of getting their own creative juices flowing.
Maybe some paint will help do the trick, so send ‘em my way. I’ll show ‘em how to make some mummified bone broth—it’s a staple in my cookbook. If that doesn’t tickle their fancy, as a holiday tradition, I’ll give them some pointers on how to make paint-frosted sugar cookies with a side of liquid gold. That way, the man who sees you when you’re sleeping will see ever more clearly and anticipate the delight under the Christmas lights. And let them know, in the name of one of the greatest chefs to ever walk the face of this planet, it’s time to cook!