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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Bobby Beacon Experience

Bobby+Beacon+markets+his+protein+powder+to+UMass+Boston+dropout+Joe+Rogan.+Illustration+by+Bianca+Oppedisano+%2F+Mass+Media+Staff%0A
Bianca Oppedisano
Bobby Beacon markets his protein powder to UMass Boston dropout Joe Rogan. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano / Mass Media Staff

“The Joe Rogan Experience” theme fades in. Joe Rogan sits across from UMass Boston mascot, Bobby Beacon, in the JRE studio, headphones on, smoke filling the air. Rogan inhales deeply and the podcast begins.

Joe Rogan: Hey everybody. Welcome back to “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Today I have a very special guest in the studio. This guy lights the way for many students and is the self-proclaimed life of the party. The mascot of the school I dropped out of way back in the day, Bobby Beacon,  all the way from UMass Boston. How ya doin’ today Bobby? 

Bobby Beacon: I’m doing pretty good, Joe. I’ve been a fan since your Fear Factor and UFC days. I love all you say and do.

JR: Thanks man, I appreciate it. What have I done to influence you so intensely?

BB: Well, Joey—can I call you Joey?

JR: Uh, I’d prefer you not… 

BB: Cool. Joey, I adore how you promote all those crazy concepts, ideas and methods to better your mind and body. From motivational speakers like David Goggins and Jordan Peterson spitting straight FACTS about meditation and the grindset mindset, to Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura and Co. doing Sober October shenanigans. All the talk about the carnivore diet, Keto and cutting out all the BS is very inspiring. But most importantly, I love the way you promote TRT and supplements to get you absolutely jacked out of your mind. 

JR: Wow, I’m honored to have such a hold on you, Bobby.

BB: Anytime. Your podcast and lifestyle motivated me to whip myself into shape. I didn’t achieve this girlish figure just by sitting around, you know.

JR: That’s nice, Bobby. Now, the first thing I’d like to bring up with you is your claim that students, especially at UMass Boston, don’t need to pay their student loans. What’s the deal with that? I’m aware that I’m a titan in spreading misinformation, but come on man, that’s a pretty crazy claim.

BB: Honestly, I just don’t get it. Everyone is complaining about getting into student debt. My thought process is… just don’t pay! What are they going to do? Throw you in jail?

JR: Uh… yeah, dude. You need to pay off your debt. The more you ignore it, the more it accumulates. The punishment for not paying it off can totally lead to being imprisoned. It’s like how you need to pay your taxes. You at least pay your taxes, right, Bobby?

BB: Uhhhh… yeah, for sure dawg. My taxes are always paid! Hello? That was such a silly question, Joey.  

JR: Please stop calling me Joey. Only my mother can call me that. 

BB: My bad. Anyway, can’t you see, Joey, that overall I’m just trying to help out my fellow Beacons? I just want them to be happy and not have to pay money to the government forever.  

JR: I understand that you don’t have ill intent—at least, I don’t think you do—but your execution is god awful. But whatever, let’s talk about something else. What’s your favorite thing about being a D3 college mascot?

BB: I love that my biggest gig of the year is my own birthday. Most of the time, I don’t even remember that we have sports. I know we have a ton of athletes here, but I’ve never seen them in action. For example, you can go into the dining hall and see all the baseball boys sitting together, all with matching hats. Do you ever see them in action, though? Exactly. However, on my birthday, we usually have to get the police involved. It’s the event of the year. There’s cake, a meet and greet and an invite-only underground rager thrown at the Harbor Point apartments.  

JR: That sounds pretty sick. Am I going to be invited next year?  

BB: We’ll have to see about that. It would be great publicity, but first dibs are for people who actually graduated from the school. Hopefully, your invitation doesn’t get lost in the mail.

JR: Okay? Anyways, do you have a good reason to be here today, Bobby? Besides annoying me and wasting my precious time?

BB: Yes, Joey, indeed I do. I’m here to premiere to the people of Boston, America and the world, my revolutionary workout enhancer: Beacon Build. It acts like your average pre-workout protein powder, but it has so much more. It has creatine, protein, caffeine fat, salt, testosterone, estrogen, soy, bulldog slobber, oil from the Middle East, earwax from UFC guys with cauliflower ear and it comes in a variety of flavors like chocolate, cookies n’ cream and peanut butter. Just put a couple of scoops into your shaker, add water and there you go!  You’ll be jacked in no time!

JR: You can’t be serious.

BB: I’m as serious as a heart attack.

JR: Are you out of your mind? There’s so much wrong with that, Bobby. Where do I even begin?  How about it somehow having both testosterone and estrogen? How is that even possible? And bulldog slobber? How did you even get… you know what? I don’t even want to know. I think this would kill someone by the smell alone. How the hell did you actually make this?

BB: I have my connections. I brought some samples to the studio here hoping you’d want in on this. 

JR: I would want nothing LESS than to be in on this. You know what, Bobby? I’m cutting the episode short today. We need to evacuate the premises immediately. You’re insane. And that’s saying something coming from me.

BB: Fine, you don’t know genius when you see it! That’s probably why you’re friends with alcoholic goons! You just have to be right about everything! To think, I was going to offer you an opportunity to invest in Beacon Build. What a shame, Joey, what a crying shame.

JR: STOP CALLING ME JOEY AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

JRE outro music fades in and the episode ends.

About the Contributors
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator
Olivia Reid, Photo Editor
Dong Woo Im, Photographer