It’s that time of year again! All the freshmen students here at UMass Boston are scrambling to find a place to live next year and Lord knows they don’t want to live in those crumbling dorms anymore—not that they have a choice. There will be a huge influx of students next fall and zero room for any sophomores, but that’s probably for the best. The freshmen have endured the treacherous conditions of bad roommates, monotonous dining hall food, foul bathrooms and having to walk up eight flights of stairs with their laundry because, yet again, the elevators stopped working.
Not to worry! A one-time event in the Campus Center will solve all your housing concerns. They can give you connections to the Peninsula and Harbor Point apartments. There are just two problems: For one, the apartments are all right at best, and that’s only if you aren’t neighbors with four boys who strive to throw “lit parties,” and secondly, there isn’t going to be enough room for every single non-commuter at this school to live in these places.
While this may seem disappointing, rest assured knowing that there’s going to be a third apartment complex built a three-minute walk from campus, super close to JFK Station and with a great view of… something. There will be fully furnished units, a pool, laundry in every single space and even a doorman.
The only issue is that there was a silly little elementary school on the exact plot of land the contractors wanted to build on. The company leading the project, Affleck Brothers Building Co., desperately wanted this area and would do anything to break ground. Also, it should be noted that they’re different than Boston’s own Ben and Casey Affleck. These brothers are George and Hubert and what they lack in confidence and on-screen charisma, they make up for in hammering skills.
Anyways, the Affleck boys didn’t care about those snotty rugrats at Dever School. No, they cared much more about sucking every penny out of 19-year-olds’ already starving bank accounts. They needed to conjure up a scheme to tear down the school.
After a long period of brainstorming, a lightbulb lit up in Hubert’s little brain. The plan was that he and George would pull up to the principal’s office and tell them they had great reason to believe there was an oil supply under the school, and they needed to take action immediately. The principal would then pile all of their belongings into a box, and make an announcement over the intercom: “Attention all students and staff. Please get the hell off campus as soon as possible.”
Surprisingly, the plan actually worked and suddenly there was a massive wave of gross, screaming, nervous people ranging from ages 5 to 64. The Southie screams were incomparable as the Affleck Brothers were serenaded by sweet symphonies of footsteps running farther and farther away from their glorious goldmine of a property, or in this case, an “oil plant.”
With the kids and teachers gone, now came the fun part: Demo day! Wasting no time, they started bringing in the bulldozers, jackhammers and the middle-aged, nicotine addicts dressed in neon and Carhartt, swearing up a storm. Within 24 hours, it was as if Dever School had been nothing more than a barren sandlot.
At this rate, the new complex would be up in no time, and anticipating the project’s completion, George went to Hubert with the perfect name for the future home of hundreds of Beacons: Southie Estates. A single tear fell slowly down Hubert’s cheek as he allowed himself a brief moment of emotion—emphasis on brief because men don’t cry.
Three Months Later
Welp, that didn’t work. In classic construction fashion, literally every part of the process was delayed severely. If you thought building the new quad on campus was bad, you would be shocked to know the state of Southie Estates. The Affleck brothers didn’t exactly realize that they needed permits, a loyal crew and a ton of money to do a project like this. These two were much more familiar with building apartments for birds rather than humans, and three months in, they managed to incorrectly install a random water line that led to nothing, a couple of walls here and there and a seven-foot-hole in the ground that was filled with about four inches of water.
The most productive thing that happened was recently when one of the construction workers, Tony, was digging a purposeless hole and hit a pipe. Well, what do you know? It was an unclaimed oil rig. The Affleck Bros. were more hyped than when the Sox beat the Yankees. They were actually going to be rich! They manifested this!
Unfortunately, since they tore down an elementary school and kicked out every student and teacher there, they were in huge trouble. The City of Boston thanked them for discovering the oil, and gladly put the brothers behind bars in Kansas, making sure they would never disturb New England again. As for the school and the student housing, who cares? Most of those freshmen are going to transfer anyway.