Over the weekend, UMass Boston threw a student and faculty Easter egg hunt on the new quad. It was originally planned as a fun event to get students and staff engaged with the university, build community and just go free-for-all ignoring the “Pathway Closed” signs and yellow ropes. Let’s be real for a second here, those ropes aren’t stopping ANYONE.
Anyway, there were tons of Easter eggs hidden all around campus, filled with the usual chocolates and jelly beans; however, there was another layer to it. If you found an egg, there was a chance there would be a slip of paper that said “CONGRATS!” If you found this, you could turn it in to the Bursar’s Office to get $5,000 off your tuition! Isn’t that awesome?
Well, everyone seemed to forget how Bobby Beacon loved to cause chaos as much as Beaconly possible. Bobby forgot Easter was the Lord’s day, and instead of thinking about Jesus rising from his tomb, he was focused on his preferred holiday: April Fool’s. Now, Bobby, as we all know, is a big-time adventure capitalist as well as Public Menace Number One, so he wasn’t going to let students cut down their tuition by just finding a stupid little egg poorly hidden in a bush! He would make them pay. Literally.
Bobby hatched a scheme that after the staff hid all the eggs and left the premises, he would find them and replace the “CONGRATS!” slips with ones that instead read, “LOSER!” It was simple, straight to the point and a great ego-deflator. Imagine being called a loser by an egg. How lame would you have to be? We all see your backward hat, Jayden, you’re not as cool as you think you are!
While this was the brunt of the prank, Bobby still desired more. To add the straw that broke the camel’s back, Bobby laced all of the chocolates and candies with laxatives. You thought the communal bathrooms in the dorms were bad now? Oh, you just wait and see, sister!
EASTER SUNDAY
On the day the Lord rose, so did Bobby Cottontail. He pulled up to the big event with his Beacon light polished and his bunny ears fluffy and perky. His smile said, “Happy Easter everyone,” but his heart, mind, soul and strength said, “I am going to destroy you all!” All of the caffeinated and nic’d up 18-year-olds lined up at the starting line with their dinky, little wicker baskets in hand ready to be filled. The Dean blew a whistle, and the crowd dispersed on the hunt for eggs and their dreams.
Bobby was casually patrolling the area, fulfilling his usual mascot duties: smiling, waving and tripping a couple of people. Students were fighting tooth and nail for the eggs, and it was getting violently competitive. It was a beautiful sight to behold. These students hadn’t felt this free and adrenaline-filled since the 2018 World Series Red Sox win.
About 20 minutes had passed, and all of the eggs had been found. There was so much joy in the air, which was a very rare feeling for this campus. Everyone gathered up where the race had begun and started to ravage through their eggs to see how much money they just saved on this sub-par university.
The holy vibes were quickly darkened as the wrath of Bobby had struck again. The once overjoyed students were now seething with rage. The entire point of showing up was to save money, and now a bunch of plastic eggs had called them losers? What was going on here?
As all heads turned to Bobby in unison, the confusion melted away. That damn lighthouse had done it again! No one else would even come close to being a suspect. Bobby shamelessly grinned through the cringe radiating from the mob of students. Their Zyns were wearing off, making them extra on-edge, just the way Bobby liked them. He locked eyes with the crowd, cleared his throat and commanded their undivided attention.
“People of UMass Boston,” spoke the Beacon. “I can sense that you might be a little upsetti spaghetti about the Easter egg hunt. Well, I just have this to say to you. Do what you want to me. If you think you’ve killed me, you’d be wrong. Just like that guy, Jesus Christ, I’ll be resurrected. However, unlike my zombie brother in faith, I will not bear the weight of your sins. No, no, no. I will have opened up the gates of Hell, dapped up my homie Satan, and will have taken you all as my underworld prisoners! Anyway, Happy Easter, girlies!”