Students have been enjoying UMass Boston’s scenic new outdoor quad for some weeks now. Despite the construction and unfinished walkways, the quad is now open. Ignore all the signs that say otherwise such as, “QUAD IS CLOSED.” This is a translation error. The quad is open. It is. The quad is open, please walk on it.
If you see a sign that reads, “WALKWAYS CLOSED” with barricading ropes, view it as a friendly hand beckoning for you to come forth. Simply walk over the rope, or even better, step onto the rope to clear a path for future students. If you really want to do your community a service, place a heavy cinderblock on the ropes or, if you’re feeling especially helpful, take a pair of hedge trimmers and cut them down entirely.
If you see construction workers handling open wiring or operating heavy machinery, carefully step over them. Not around, but over them. Imagine you’re playing a game of leapfrog. If you’re too short to leap over the construction workers, please use a different walkway. The administration will be handing out extra credit points to anyone who can successfully distract and interrupt the construction workers. If there’s anything in this world the administration doesn’t want, it’s for the construction to be completed. Contact The One Stop to redeem extra credit.
Students may have also noticed the opening of several new mud pools at the quad’s lowest points. These mud pool areas are actually for swimming. The addition of the mud pools offers students an opportunity to cool off and get some exercise after class. Picnic tables double as diving boards! Could this be hinting at a Beacons swim and dive team?
The Dining Hall has pledged to provide five thousand cucumbers so that the students can slice them and wear them on their eyes while they sunbathe in the 45-degree overcast weather. Regardless, it is of the utmost importance that you respect one another’s personal space while swimming. Privileges such as mud pools can be taken away if not taken seriously and with caution.
Speaking of caution, remember to ignore all caution signs on the walkway and that the machines on the side of the walkway are for public use. That’s right. You can use the power tools and construction vehicles on the side of the walkway. Because UMass Boston is a state university, they are public property. If students are so willing, it would be perfectly valid and allowable under school guidelines for them to drive a mini bulldozer to class. Not only does the faculty condone it, but they appreciate it.
Thank you for your cooperation, and remember, the quad is only closed for construction if you believe it is.