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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Sea-Man battles pollution in Boston Harbor

When people think of Boston, they might think of its amazing universities or its world-class hospitals. However, these things pale in comparison to Boston’s main attraction: the dirty water. For many Bostonians, the dirty harbor water is a part of life; it’s part of our culture and it’s what makes this place our home. Despite this, there are some people out there trying to clean it up. One such person—if you can call them that—has made it their life’s work to fight against the pollution of Boston Harbor. His name is Sea-Man and according to him, he’s half man and half fish.

I thought it would be hard to get such an enigmatic figure to agree to an interview, but Sea-Man seemed to jump at the chance to talk about himself. We met out on the dock by the JFK Library. When I first laid my eyes on him I must admit, I was taken aback. He had the physique of a Greek god and was wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts and a seashell belt buckle. He had long, wavy hair and a mustache that looked like he spent way too much time grooming. He began to speak before I even asked a question, and as he did, he struck an elegant pose as if speaking a soliloquy in an old Shakespearean play.

“Why have I chosen such a selfless and noble line of work? My passion—along with many other emotions deeply embedded within my consciousness—derives from my father. He was a failure of a man; a sailor who worked in the galley of a large naval vessel. He did not cook, as he was incompetent, so he washed dishes. He became notorious for his promiscuity, being dubbed by those around the world as the ocean’s communal kayak. He would give any creature that had breath in its lungs a ride. Have you ever made love to a fish, my dear? Well, my father did and that’s where I entered the fray. I come from a place of great filth, so I’ve made it my life’s work to clean it up.”

Sea-Man’s recent efforts to clean up the harbor certainly haven’t been in vain. Over the past few months, there’s been increasing reports from UMass Boston students of a trident-wielding fish-man threatening to kill them while flexing his muscles in a way that Sea-Man has described as “sexual intimidation.” However, if he had it his way, he’d go a lot further than that.

“My tactics as of late have proved to be a bit vanilla compared to that of the past. Those who throw their rubbish into my domain are the scum of the Earth and deserve no less than death. Back in Bulger days, that’s exactly what I gave them. I’d impale them with my mighty trident and pull them into the ocean. Then I would suck the flesh off their bones and spit their remains back to the surface. When the police discovered them, they’d chalk it up to being another one of Whitey’s victims. You can’t do that anymore! These days you have to be all ‘PC’ about it.”

Clearly, this is a man who is truly passionate about what he does. Some might say he’s a little too passionate, but it seems that Sea-Man really does want to clean up our harbor’s dirty water. However, as our talk progressed, so did his tendencies for violence. It wasn’t long before his true intentions became clear.

“I feel the burning flames of desire deep inside me, yearning to watch as your entire civilization crumbles into the sea. To watch as everything humanity has ever created is washed away into the nothingness of time. To watch as the waves of mercy give you one final glance at the sun before sucking you down into the dark abyss, filling your lungs with the cold release of death and delivering the justice you so rightfully deserve. I want you all to die, and by the looks of it, you’re taking care of it yourself. Would you just hurry it up a bit?”

As nice as it was to hear a fresh perspective on the issue of humans from a non-human, I decided it best to steer our conversation into calmer waters. That being said, when I asked him for his opinion on our very own nautical-themed mascot, Bobby Beacon, his vengeful demeanor did not improve.

“Scoff! That bloody beacon is a vile creature without a care in the world for decency. I see him down at the bottom of the harbor, parading around with his mouth open, feeding like the bloated baleen whale that he is. Do you know what he does every week? He comes out to this very dock here with bags of rubbish, and he dumps it all in the harbor! All his rubbish from throughout the week, he just dumps it in! Rotten food, plastic containers, bones! He does it to taunt me! He’s an abysmally pitiful being and the true scourge of the seven seas!”

I guess that Sea-Man doesn’t have a single bone in his body that isn’t spiteful. He began to get antsy and fidget around so I decided it best to ask him about something that he has clearly been itching to discuss: his physical appearance.

“It’s quite remarkable actually, the line between villainy and sex appeal has perhaps never been finer. Everyone’s fawning over the Loki’s and the Joker’s of the world. Funny thing is, they’re murderers! They kill people! It goes to show that there are two breeds of bad. There’s creepy bad and there’s sexy bad. I’m the second kind! Why do you suppose I go around shirtless? Well, for one, I absorb oxygen through my skin so I would literally suffocate to death if I put on a shirt. But more importantly, if you’ve been bestowed a body like this, you’re not going to cover it up.”

With a dramatic and slightly pretentious-sounding sigh, Sea-Man rose from the banister where he sat. “Well darling, I believe our time here is up,” he said as he leaped up onto the edge of the dock. His skin appeared to sparkle in the sunlight as he looked out over the waves of his watery kingdom.

“You are filth personified!” He shouted at me as he somersaulted into the air and dove into the harbor. Some might take such a statement to be an insult, but to me, it was strangely endearing. I mean, the fact that he didn’t kill me on the spot was a minor miracle. All in all, while some may find his methods to be questionable and his motives to be misplaced, Sea-Man cares deeply about what he does and more importantly, how he looks while doing it.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor